Feel good photo of the day

I just really like this picture. It's nice that sock monkeys can have friends too.

TP report on Tissue - part one

I'll have to deliver this concept via a series of posts. I want to (hopefully) convey the details without overwhelming you with details. Both incidences occurred in a matter of hours.

Here's a little bit of "detail Din" on tissue. I'll follow up on toilet paper (TP) Din in the next post. Strange series? Not really if you hear me out on why you should take a lesson from this segment of the TP report on tissue.

Last week. I had a bad chills of stupidity moment at work. Right when I thought I'd contained the awkward juju with no visible evidence of distress, a coworker asked if I was OK. Apparently, I'm not that good at masking stress. I'll spare you the details.

Unruffled, she opened her purse, pulled out a little packet of tissue, then distributed sheets and listened while I soaked them up one by one.

People often ask when speaking in public, "what do i do with my hands?" Great presenters pay attention to the details. It never occurred to me that the same is true when listening to someone blubber too. You will never avoid this experience in your life. So go buy a packet of pocket tissues for you and your friends this holiday season.

Think carrying tissue is awkward? I can hear it now:

"Guys don't carry tissues!" (This is probably why guys also have a reputation for being insensitive.)
"Tissues are for blue-haired grannies!"

Take a queue from the fashionably forward grrls and fellas who carry fabulous handbags, kewl urban backpacks, and streamlined messenger bags and accessorize with a packet of tissues to suite your style. This site has the gamut!


I might get a set this set to match my iPhone decal.












Go neutral. Get a Swiss pack!












Make someone laugh with these monkeys!

Notes from the Moleskine

I carry a notebook all the time. Usually it's a Moleskine. I like the back pocket for stuff.

I mainly use it to write down reminders, grocery lists, packing lists, ideas and random stuff I don't want to forget. Sometimes my friends are guest authors. That's always interesting. Some of my notebooks even have prize-winning poetry. I'll post one someday.

It takes approximately 3 months to fill a notebook, so when I read an old notebook, a significant amount of context goes missing. Sometimes I can't even distinguish my own handwriting. Nothing is dated, or attributed. It's a mess. I just found these random bits of Din from an old notebook. Could be from me, could be something I overheard, who knows?

Consistency can be your vice if you don't watch out.

Interesting. Kinda like another way of saying, "you're in a rut."

Ivan eats his bananas upside down

Ivan? Do you remember why I wrote this?

So, I said, "I'll have another." But that part of the story doesn't matter. What I want to say is, "there isn't enough love, and there is too much not giving."

Probably shouldn't have had another.

"What is it with the short people here, it's like bonsai bartender."

That looks like an "overheard in the bar" comment.

Sometimes its not that you made the RIGHT decision. It's that you MADE a decision.

That's not bad advice. I bet it's not mine.

A lesson on spin

I received decent advice today. If you don't have the resources, authority or ability to fix everything that is chaotic about the current situation, don't give in to paralysis. Focus on the change you can affect and blow through it like a tornado.

Even small tornadoes can cause chaos. And chaos brings opportunity. So, I owe it to myself to stir it up. This is motivating. Much better than being stuck at dysfunction junction.

Eclecticpop Mix

I've been in desperate need for new tune suggestions. Thankfully, while in Boston this week, my colleague's husband took pity on me and sent one of his playlists. I've replicated most his list in Rhapsody (Rhaps is great, but they don't have everything).


1. Dictionary - The Go Find
2. I Turn My Camera On - Freshro
3. Wish Coin (Go It Alone) (Diplo Remix) - Beck
4. Wrap It Up - Whitey
5. Lights & Music - Cut Copy
6. Future - Cut Copy
7. Saturdays (LP Version) - Cut Copy
8. Ice Cream - New Young Pony Club
9. Seat Yourself (Diplo Remix) - Roots Manuva
10. Big Lost - Diplo
11. Sarah - Diplo
12. Breathe Me - SiA
13. Young Folks - Peter Bjorn and John
14. Young Folks (Rhapsody Original) - Peter Bjorn and John
15. D.A.N.C.E. [Album Version] - Justice (electro)
16. Untrust Us - Crystal Castles
17. Blood On Our Hands - Justice Remix -
18. Shining Escalade - Hot Chip
19. Paper Planes - M.I.A.
20. Skanky Panky - Kid Koala
21. Restless (Featuring Josh Homme) - U.N.K.L.E.
22. What It's All About - Girl Talk
23. Play Your Part (Pt. 1) - Girl Talk
24. Gold Lion (Diplo Remix) - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
25. Together In Electric Dreams - Le Vicarious Bliss Pop Experience

Listen here with Rhapsody

McSweeney's Lists

I love to read the lists on McSweeney's. This one by Spencer Green, really makes me laugh. I occasionally spend time reading my spam filter. It's so impudent. I reckon, the collection of these pesky e-mails accurately articulates the perception the rest of the work has about Americans. It's not that far off. I once thought I could loose 15 pounds by eliminating the muck in my intestines.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in My Spam Box

BY SPENCER GREEN

- - - -

I am an average American.

The average credit score of an average American is 608.

I have a house mortgage.

I gamble—poorly—but want to do better.

I want to lose weight.

I'm holding between 25 and 30 pounds of fat in my intestines.

I dig Christian singles.

My perfect match is waiting for me somewhere in my hometown.

I could find her this week.

I want to start a home business and start making real money.

Easy work and great pay always go together.

Earning potential, unlike money, is unlimited.

The best things in life—meaning expensive electronics like BlackBerrys and MacBook Airs—are free.

For most things in life, only my confirmation is needed.

I want to learn magic and/or hypnosis to attract health, love, money, and to get revenge (the good kind).

There is always another last chance.

Qualifying for and winning awards doesn't require anything—least of all knowing they exist.

Amazing secrets are hidden by nothing more than a mouse click.

I have two friends, Maureen and Angie, who talk about me daily.

Approval is guaranteed.

I admit it...

I've been a bit blue lately. It took me a week to realize that I just might be having serious withdrawal. THIS movie scene has been playing in my mind over and over (I can't believe i found it!) After a thorough daydream analysis, I have deduced that the Baby in this scene represents my friends at a place that starts with "B" where I used to spend a lot of time. In the daydream analysis, I represent the crook on the left. Cause he's such a dork! So excited about what he's got until he realizes what he's left behind. Only, I'm not going to race back to the baby. I'm just screaming. I miss you guys!

Ivan the Stinky Hurricane

When I started this blog, I hoped to document the poignant parts of life. Discuss politics, religion, green living, useful life management techniques, practical business advice, recipes, smart dressing, etc.

I have achieved none of the above. I don't post regularly. I don't write posts that build upon a theme. I don't categorize anything. I don’t comment on other blogs. I don't ask questions to engage readers. I don't have readers. I don't have a blog theme. This really has become The Din. It’s pure drivel.

The thing is, I just kinda like the daily filler. The side dishes. The stuff that is so good, it’s forgettable. It makes all day long better.

This random bit of IM Din is good if you need an idea for a gangster name, a hero name, or a band name:


Ivan: i'm trying to come up with good gangster names. The only one i have so far is
Ivan: jimmy the foot
Amie: that doesn't really scare the crap out of me
Ivan: hahaha
Ivan: should it?
Amie: jimmy the contagious foot?
Amie: like you know how people freak over athletes foot
Ivan: gangrenous foot?
Amie: that works
Ivan: i always think of the random names i've heard
Ivan: tommy the chin
Amie: how about Ivan the terrible
Amie: doh! that one is taken
Ivan: ivan the terrible is taken!
Amie: ivan the horrible
Amie: ivan the stinky
Ivan: LOL
Ivan: stinky! oh no!
Ivan: ivan the horrible
Amie: i reckon your first name could go with anything, that is what is cool about being named ivan
Amie: IVAN THE HURRICANE
Ivan: nice
Amie: that is taken damn
Ivan: that's a good one.
Ivan: taken?
Ivan: taken by what?
Ivan: by the actual hurricate i guess
Amie: si
Ivan: right. i remember. i killed many jamaicans
Amie: Ivan the tropical storm?
Amie: that's not gangster
Ivan: ivan the high pressure weather system.
Ivan: ivan the bastard
Ivan: ivan the purple nurpler
Amie: LOL
Amie: is a purple nurpler a weather event?
Ivan: depends on how powerful it is
Ivan: a very localized weather even
Amie: Ivan the black hole
Ivan: nice
Amie: now i'm beyond weather, i'm getting stellar
Amie: star-like
Ivan: i love it
Ivan: ivan the super nova
Amie: i like
Amie: although, now you sound like a superhero
Amie: not a gangster
Ivan: yeah. i do. i might have to fix that i guess
Ivan: i prefer being a superhero
Amie: me too
Amie: it's nicer
Amie: plus, you get really good looking girlfriends
Ivan: LOL
Amie: gangsters date tramps
Ivan: that's hilarious
Ivan: that's a great band name too
Ivan: gangsters date tramps
Amie: it would be good
Amie: i like
Ivan: i totally like
Amie: see, we're taking care of every category today
Ivan: it has to be done.

eat my hor da vors!

Scott is our "IT Ambassador." This isn't his proper title. I think it's IT Operations Engineer or something that doesn't really say much of anything. Which is why we call him The Ambassador. It's appropriate. Nobody in IT likes working with the marketing department. Not to be confused with liking to "hang" with marketing. "Working with" and "hanging" are not the same. Organizational dynamics always get tweaked when actual work enters the picture.

The Ambassador is a worthy diplomat. He can speak many languages, including marketing, accounting, geek, sr.management and others. He always recommends the best restaurants and likes to coordinate field trips. Like taking us to "The Double Ho” for Dim Sum.

Note on The Double HO. The Ho Ho Gourmet is probably the most filthy, musty stanky place I’ve ever been. It’s not premium Dim Sum, but what can I expect for $5.00 plus tip. I ate chicken feet there. I'm certain I'll never eat chicken feet again. So, me and The Double Ho share a first, and that's special.

To commemorate the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games, Scott walked through cube alley offering commemorative cheese and crackers yelling, “eat my hor da vors.” Nobody partook. Maybe it’s strange to share crackers that have Chinese symbols painted on them with Cheese Whiz. I reckon it’s cause he was serving them from a paper towel instead of a proper serving tray.

Each cracker symbolized what he thought are Olympic messages. But I can’t find any official source that will verify that Big, River, Fire are Olympic. I don't think they mean anything Scott. You're just a Whiz with the Cheese.

Funion Onion

I've been on an Onion kick lately. The good kind. The kind that won't make your breath stink. I work in PR, so I think in headlines a lot. Thinking in Onion headlines is more fun than the drippy stuff I do for work. It is possible to come up with an Onion for almost every situation. Even bad situations. Onions can put life in perspective. No doubt.

The kick started when I (anonymously) printed this story to every printer in the office so random people would stumble upon it. I also sent it via e-mail from subordinates to their bosses (don't ever do this). Just wanted to mix it up a bit. It worked. But not as planned. I am glad forgiveness can be bought with a fish taco plate at Lone Star.

Saturday night I said, "let's play Onion headlines!" The idea was shunned. I persisted. Good times, good times. Mediocre at best, but alas, joi de vivre is found in the journey, not the outcome.

Scrapbooking Industry Declines as Nation Lives in Moment

Fortune Tellers’ Jobless Rate Soars as Nation Lives in Moment

Note on this: my husband is convinced nobody says, “living in the moment.” I hear it every day! Who is correct? (if you say him, he won’t read it. Apparently he is living in isolation ;-)

High Fuel Costs Limit Huffing Gas to Upper Socioeconomic Strata

Area Man Sells Roof to Keep House

Search for Affordable Recreation Drives Masturbation Craze

Now I just need to pen the stories. The last headline will likely be the story with the most street slang.

Multi-Listening, Multi-tasking, Multi-Din

My best friend forever, AKA, BFF, IM'd me today. (That sentence is f#$ked with acronyms.)

I'm glad about IM (she said with a Pollyanna grin). Otherwise, I would rarely talk with my friend, or anyone for that matter. It's well known I don't answer the phone.

With IM, we can chat and muck around on our computers at the same time. Its idiosyncratic quality captures authentic, and hilarious bits of Din.

Thanks BFF for saving this one, we will always share a good laugh over it. Not sure if anyone else will, but we don't care as we know true happiness is beyond the need for approval. We know where to find true happiness, which only well intended readers will learn since it's buried in this conversation.


(4:33:46 PM) BFF: I'M A MEMBER OF SETH GODIN'S NEW "TRIBE!!"
(4:33:52 PM) BFF: :D
(4:41:54 PM) AMIE: shut up
(4:41:58 PM) AMIE: how do you do that?
(4:42:20 PM) AMIE: congrats
(4:42:22 PM) BFF: Today is such a GREAT day for networking!!
(4:42:33 PM) BFF: OMG!
(4:42:33 PM) AMIE: you're cute
(4:42:48 PM) BFF: AGJ, I need astronaut diapers
(4:43:02 PM) BFF: barely contain myself
(4:43:17 PM) BFF: when R U coming to visit!??????????????????????
(4:43:24 PM) BFF: I miss shooting shit with you
(4:43:59 PM) AMIE: i know
(4:44:04 PM) AMIE: when should i come, soon i think
(4:44:07 PM) AMIE: how much are tickets
(4:51:01 PM) AMIE: i can tell you're so happy, what is this group anyway, is it like the inner circle?
(4:51:11 PM) BFF: CLOSED
(4:51:14 PM) BFF: EXCLUSIVE
(4:51:24 PM) BFF: FIRST COMERS
(4:51:35 PM) AMIE: wow
(4:51:53 PM) BFF: At least that's what Seth says (what else do you expect - he's a marketing dude)
(4:52:00 PM) AMIE: true
(4:52:12 PM) BFF: but he's a genius. People are going NUTS in there already
(4:52:25 PM) BFF: The activity is pirahna like
(4:52:42 PM) AMIE: what are they going nuts over?
(4:52:47 PM) AMIE: being there, or over a topic?
(4:53:21 PM) AMIE: dude, does the blog o sphere say anything about how it sucks to try to make a comment on MySpace cause it's a locked thing?
(4:53:25 PM) AMIE: it's very anti social
(4:53:35 PM) BFF: It's all the stuff you can do in the community. Like facebook on steroids but we all have connection to Seth (marketing) as a starting point.
(4:54:02 PM) AMIE: oh, kewl
(4:54:36 PM) BFF: I heard that MySpace is for rich people...which would explain why I'm on Facebook
(4:56:06 PM) AMIE: LOL i wish i was one
(4:56:17 PM) BFF: Money doesn't make you more valuable - no way
(4:56:34 PM) BFF: You are rich...just not with money
(4:57:27 PM) AMIE: hey! funny you should say, i'm reading The Power of Now
(4:57:33 PM) AMIE: you read it?
(4:57:40 PM) BFF: Must look it up...
(4:57:56 PM) AMIE: oprah loves this guy
(4:58:07 PM) BFF: Oh. the Oprah book dude...did the Skype class
(4:58:08 PM) BFF: si.
(4:59:05 PM) AMIE: yes, i'm trying to use the power of positive thinking by listing that i want an iPhone on Facebook
(4:59:12 PM) AMIE: if you list it in the present tense, it might happen
(4:59:14 PM) AMIE: it's not working
(4:59:58 PM) BFF: You know what's great about Gerry's books? They have the same affect - you feel better about yourself - but they're not designed to "teach you" to have that result...not forced. G's books produce that result NATURALLY. That is why everyone is IN LOVE with him. He's all about love, man. Read some of the comments on his blog. IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND
(5:00:20 PM) AMIE: ok
(5:01:08 PM) BFF: the next gen iPhone will be even better....be patient
(5:01:16 PM) AMIE: when is that out?
(5:01:24 PM) BFF: there's always another one
(5:01:26 PM) AMIE: i thought this one was the next gen one
(5:01:30 PM) AMIE: it's 3G
(5:02:03 PM) BFF: the one that will come after 3G
(5:02:14 PM) AMIE: still
(5:02:26 PM) AMIE: i was hping that if i threw it out to the universe, i'd get a free one
(5:02:37 PM) AMIE: trying to use my powers of positive thinking for evil instead of good
(5:02:45 PM) BFF: Now you're talking about the SECRET
(5:02:51 PM) BFF: ;)
(5:03:03 PM) AMIE: oh! i get them all mixed up
(5:03:14 PM) AMIE: it's all the same stuff my mom learned when she went to LifeSpring
(5:03:22 PM) AMIE: variations on a theme
(5:03:24 PM) BFF: You're kidding.
(5:03:27 PM) BFF: really?
(5:03:44 PM) BFF: H always says the greatest ideas are never "new" ones
(5:03:58 PM) BFF: ideas and products
(5:04:06 PM) AMIE: it's true
(5:04:09 PM) BFF: always an iteration of something else
(5:04:12 PM) AMIE: it'a all rehashed material
(5:04:20 PM) BFF: THAT'S WHY SOCIAL MEDIA IS SO COOL
(5:04:21 PM) AMIE: iteration is a better word
(5:04:40 PM) AMIE: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lifespring
(5:04:53 PM) BFF: It's an iterative communication process...rehashed...remashed...
(5:05:49 PM) BFF: sad to say I'm old enough to remember the name...
(5:05:59 PM) AMIE: oh
(5:06:00 PM) BFF: :-S
(5:06:03 PM) AMIE: you're not old
(5:06:17 PM) AMIE: i do see your point on the social media thing
(5:06:17 PM) BFF: My birthday present to me is FACE WORK
(5:06:28 PM) BFF: yeah, social media rocketh
(5:07:27 PM) AMIE: what is FACE Work
(5:07:33 PM) BFF: work on my FACE
(5:07:33 PM) AMIE: a new facebook thing?
(5:07:39 PM) AMIE: oh! that kind
(5:07:43 PM) AMIE: holy shit you don't need that
(5:07:45 PM) BFF: like botox or something
(5:07:48 PM) AMIE: dood
(5:07:51 PM) AMIE: whatever
(5:08:02 PM) BFF: i sleep with my face SMASHED into pillow
(5:08:04 PM) BFF: bad
(5:08:14 PM) BFF: I look like playdough in morning
(5:08:27 PM) BFF: remember the red eyes at Catalyst each morning?
(5:08:30 PM) AMIE: uhm, who doesn't?
(5:08:46 PM) BFF: "oh it's the strong laundry detergent the hotel uses on the on the pillowcases."
(5:08:54 PM) AMIE: ok, linked in is not working today
(5:09:13 PM) BFF: no way .... sheesh.
(5:09:24 PM) AMIE: i can't get into my connections
(5:09:44 PM) BFF: dump your cache
(5:09:49 PM) BFF: it's working for me

When truths that are lies become lies that are truths

My iGoogle homepage consists of various news sources: CNET News, USA Today, InfoWorld, Slashdot, The Onion, New York Times and others.

When I log in, I quickly scan the headlines to get a general sense of the news. iGoogle news widgets all look alike. There are no logos indicating the news source, just text of the publication name followed by headlines. Location can help if you were a whiz at Concentration. For example, the upper right corner of my iGoogle is devoted to The Onion. I forget this a lot.

Including The Onion in my daily headline browsing mix is disruptive. I can be gullible. Actually, I’m really gullible. I hate this about myself. So once I’ve been had by The Onion, I tend to over correct. For example, on Mondays, I read every headline as truth, get burned by The Onion, so Tuesday I skeptically read every headline as a lie.

This bi-polar method of headline scanning is iffy. Truths that are lies become lies that are truths.

Here is a list of Today's mixed bag:

McCain has spot of skin removed as precaution
New Linens-N-Shit Opens
Billionaires Donate To Anti-Smoking Drive
MySpace could be flooded by Elvis impersonators
Bush hails Pakistan as strong ally
Textbook Publishers Continue To Freak Out Over File Sharing

I'd rather be in Oz

There is nothing about the oft quoted, "there's no place like home," that infers home is where you'd rather be.


I need “tickets on the fridge.”

Happy Birthday Tonia!

Today is Tonia Sarah Thompson Conger, AKA Baby Girl Thompson's birthday.

She's one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. I reckon millions can say the same thing.

This is one of my favorite photos with Tonia. We are in Barcelona. I love taking self photos because you never know what you're going to get. This is a great shot of my piggy-pug nostrils, and Tonia looks smokin hot.

I like it too because it's hard to tell which direction to rotate the picture. People that look at it always turn their head because they are unsure of how to view it. It swirls in a yin yang kinda way and that is why it's so great.

People that become true friends do so because they bring a needed perspective to your life. They do this by just being who they are, by being authentic. Tonia's fashionable, creative, dead funny, caring, self sacrificing, humble and wise paisley shape fit right into my Yin Yang circle. (This isn't even close to a complete list, a lot of her is ineffable.) Tonia shows me ways to become the person I hope to be by just being Tonia. There is no trying, fake, or forced aspect to our friendship.

I am so lucky! What if I didn't find her until I was 80 and I only got to hang out with her for a little while. Plus we would be too old to contort ourselves into this picture, and too old to laugh as hard as we do at times cause we'd break our ribs.

Happy Birthday!!!

10 AM Din

Kristin captured a really great moment in cube-land here.

As much as society loathes the invention of the cube, it does make for good comedy. You're visually isolated, but completely exposed audibly. It's situation comedy at its finest. I've gotten to the point where I know which coworker is approaching by their gait.

Anyway, here's a little banter from this morning to add to Kristin's post. If we keep this up, we will have one spectacular collection of "had to be there," moments.

Setting this scene: Amie has an apricot tree that just won't stop. All week she has brought bags and bags of apricots to work hoping the office will keep her from feeling like they aren't going to waste. Her coworkers got sick of them by Tuesday. Today is Friday, so clearly, Amie has determined that if she doesn't start hyping the apricots a little more, she will have to eat them all (a situation that probably deserves it's own blog post, likely to be titled: Apricots: too much of a good thing?)

10 o'clock am, cube-land:

Me: Do apricots have fat? They sure taste like they do.

Karl: No Amie. They don't.

Amie: Interesting. They taste so good, like they might have fat.

Sid: 100 grams of apricots has .39 grams of fat.

Amie: they do have fat!! how much is that? How many do I have to eat.

Sid: that is approximately 3 apricots. They also have Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, I don't know why you need that, Potassium, which is good for your heart, oh and selenium.

Amie: Selenium! that cures cancer! Wow, apricots are the wonder fruit.

Karl: I thought I was the wonder fruit.

Dumbo Idioms

I always get idioms wrong. I should acknowledge that this will never change and stop trying to use them. The problem is I get an image in my head that matches the WRONG way to use the idiom. Images are more powerful than words, so the wrong way sticks.

For example, the idiom for the hangover cure "the hair of the dog that bit you" registered incorrectly as "the hare that bit the dog." I saw white bunnies with sharp pointy teeth like the scene in Monty Python's Holy Grail. Those rabbits ARE a vivid representation of a horrific hangover.

The other day, I did it again. I don't know if this is exactly what i said. A friend and I were discussing why we make every minuscule task seem like a major endeavor, thus rendering us incapable of action. I said something like, "you can't eat the elephant by staring at the fork."

Not what i meant. But then I remembered this Disney clip when Dumbo gets drunkitty-unkitty. It is probably one of the most creative cartoons I've ever seen. So clever!

I bet the cartoonist that did this made a bunch of false starts, procrastinated, struggled and stared at blank paper and pen for a long time before he/she ever even came up with the ideas that make this cartoon so great.

I hope so. For the sake of my sanity. Otherwise, this new take on the ole "eating an elephant" idiom is useless. I'll have to figure out another reason for why I procrastinate.



via videosift.com

Spanks a lot

New word: spanks

"That fruit and nut naan bread is so good, it spanks."

It means something is very cool. Replaces the need to use: Rad, killer, money, dope, awsome, etc. I'm giving you a lot of creative lattitude cause I want it to catch on.

Someone I know jumped into a San Diego pedicab with a gaggle of cute girls. Rumor is, there was a spatula-shaped paddle involved and a $21 bet. I took no part whatsoever. I didn't see it. I didn't need to. I got a strong sense of the incident standing 1/2 block away.

You know who you are.

There was a lot of excitement. A LOT. I also got the sense that this is some kind of pedicab shtick, tradition, ritual, whatever. Can someone confirm please?

I am not here to judge. I'd spank some pedicab driver for free. I bet the San Diego pedicab union has to officially vote in a new "safe word," every year. YES I JUST SAID THAT, and no I'm not into that. I am 35 and just learned what that means from a bad joke I heard last month. It's just that the puns are irresistible thanks to this handy list of road biking lingo: roadbikerider.com

apex
bonk
chondromalacia
corncob
echelon
endo
fartlek
hammer
reach
road rash
snakebite
wheelsucker

These safe words SPANK!

Cat Tales - Eau de Toilette

I just looked in the toilet. I know, TMI, but this gets even better.

I saw what I thought was mold around the waterline. I thought this was strange. I just scrubbed it this weekend. I grabbed the toilet cleaner and brush, leaned in get a better look. That "mold" was a bunch of little muddy kitty paw prints.

Gross! What the hell. I've never heard of this. But apparently it is quite common. Just Google "cat drinks from toilet" and check out the images. I love this one. This one too.

Here's what concerns me. We desert dwellers have a saying, "if it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down."

90% of the time, our toilet is "mellowing," in order to conserve water. I wonder if this will damage the cat. They say a cats mouth is the most filthy thing in the world. This is probably why.

It made me think of this movie I saw when I lived in England years ago. We were on a family trip in Illfracomb, a beach town on the coast. Typical, it was raining. England has something like 4 TV channels so, nothing was on. My brother and I settled on this French (or English? i can't remember), movie about a man and a woman (maybe he was French, she was English) in this erotically dysfunctional relationship. The woman has reached her break point and is leaving him. He begs her to stay, professing his deep love for her. She denies, says he's lying. To prove his love, he drinks her urine out of the bedpan. We nearly hucked our crumpets.

i reckon this is another proof point of Anton's deep love for us, even though it's a really fu..-ed-up way of showing it. In a way, I return this love by scooping out his kitty litter every week. That is both urine and feces so, I think love's scale is balanced on this one.

Cat Tales

I got a kitty cat for mother’s day. I’ve not posted anything yet because when you adopt a pet from the Humane Society, you have to temper the desire to form a gushing bond until it’s obvious your pet has adopted you. (Cats are known to just re-runaway).

I knew Anton was ours forever when he saw me taking a nap. Decided to do the same. Jumped on the bed, crawled across my head, then stuck his ass in my face while he found a comfortable spot where he could snug down right next to my nose.

Anton is a Russian Blue cat. We named him after Anton Chekhov. Our former pet, a black cat named Poe, died last year. So in a way, we’re paying homage to her by adopting a silly “famous writers” theme for naming our pets.

I also like to think of Anton as Anton Chigurh:

Anton Chigurh is an emotionless, compassionless killing machine. His inability to comprehend human life is matched only by his ability to take it, as he does with ruthless abandon throughout the running of No Country For Old Men.

My Anton isn’t this mean. But he’s not milquetoast either. He bit me the first time we met. This might be why he had the longest running sentence at the Humane Society. He likes to stand at the top of the stairs and when you switch back to the the second flight, he waits for you to get in his sight line then swats at your head with ruthless abandon.

Like this:


I’ll take him! I thought. He’ll fit right in. The Johnson household could use a little moxie.

Stranded on a Desert Island

Picture kids and lots of toys. Pure bliss!

Then: "You can't take all that with you! Pick three toys. That's it!"

Panic! Frantic indecisiveness. Then silent, deep introspection. Decision. Retraction. Decision. Satisfaction.

Now, try this with adults. Instead of toys, it's bands.

If stranded on a desert island, what three bands would you listen to?

It's the same reaction! Only adults argue and act more like kids than kids!

How long will I be on this island?
What if my mood changes, can I rotate weekly?
Can I pick three for per music category? Indie, metal, punk?
If I pick Eric Clapton can I have Derek and the Dominos,Cream and The Yardbirds too? In which case, i get Jimmy Page, and Led Zeppelin too, right?

Sheesh!

So, I'm setting up my blog's first tag: Desert Island Picks

I reckon one day this will turn into the most eclectic and comprehensive list of best of the best bands ever.


Collin's top 3 desert island picks - May 29, 2008 (just today though, cause he might be in a different mood tomorrow).

The Eels
The Matches
Rancid

optional 4th (hoping this one floats in while stranded) - Drop Kick Murphys

Best quote "I'd rather suck ocean water than pick U2"

Hi, my name is Gig and I'm a Luddite

Today goofing around with Micq at Barnes and Noble, we ran into an old friend of hers. His name is Gig. For real. Well, I didn't ask really, I assumed that it was his real name, it could be a nick name, but still, he's called Gig.

So, introductions are made, idle chat ensues. And, somewhere in all that he professes to be a Luddite. I think it started cause i lost the back of my blackberry at some nightclub in Vegas, so my battery is being held inside the device with a rubber band.

Anyway, this is unfathomable. How can someone named Gig be a Luddite.

So, we decided that Gig needs to start a 12-step-type program to help tech-addicts eliminate technology from their lives. What would the steps be?

So far, we came up with:

Rule One of Luddite Club: Don't talk about Luddite Club

Rule two: When you must get words to paper, say: "Take Dictation." This requires that you have an entourage that would actually do this for you. See Rushmore for how it's properly done.

That's about as far as we got cause we couldn't decide how far back in time we would go. Can I have TV? can I rent Rushmore? doIi at least get a pager?

I can tell you one thing. Once they ruled out iPods and HBO, i started to get the shakes.

P.S. You Rock My World

It's Saturday. I'm grounded to my house until i get it clean. I've been traveling and working a lot lately and have seriously neglected my share of the responsibilities around here. The toilet in "my bathroom" has a moldy ring around it. I thought of posting a pic, and then thought better not.

I hate cleaning. You're body is busy, so your mind is left to do what it wants. It's like being stuck in therapy all day long, but the therapist is yourself. It's like that scene in Being John Malkovich when John goes into the portal to his head and everyone there is John Malkovich and he freaks out. I've always maintained that if you met yourself in real life, you wouldn't like you.

To escape the mental din, i made a massive playlist of music. And i forgot how much i love the Eels. They're lyrics are so quirky and profoundly real.

this is my favorite one. It saved my day:

"P.S. You Rock My World"

I was at a funeral the day i realized
I wanted to spend my life with you
Sitting down on the steps at the old post office
The flag was flying at half mast
And i was thinking 'bout how
Everyone is dying
And maybe it is time to live

I don't know where we're going
I don't know what we'll do

Walked in to the thrif-tee
Saw the man with the hollow eyes
Who didn't give me all my change
But it didn't bother me this time
'cause i know i've only got
This moment
And it's good
I went to the gas station
Old woman honked her horn
Waiting for me to fix her car

I don't know where we're going
I don't know what we'll do

Laying in bed tonight i was thinking
And listening to all the dogs
And the sirens and the shots
And how a careful man tries
To dodge the bullets
While a happy man takes a walk

And maybe it is time to live

Today I'm wearing the same jeans for the third time in a row.

No reason really.

I went on three trips in April, and am still living out of a few suitcases, so it might be because i couldn't find anything else to wear.

Although, that's not entirely true, i have a lot of jeans. You know how you have to be in a certain mood for certain jeans? Monday i was in the mood for these jeans, and Tuesday i couldn't be bothered to change my mood, and, now it's Wednesday and I've established momentum. So, i can't stop here.

I've got momentum without a source of motivation. Maybe this is what they mean by living in the moment. You just learn to stop evaluating what mood your in to match your jeans all the time. Wear the same damn jeans all the time and just live.

If you do this, be sure you have superfabulous jeans. My choice this week are my Taverniti So jeans. The only pair of jeans i have ever splurged on. Once you start dabbling in the $100 + price point for jeans, it can go downhill fast. Soon, you won't even wince at plunking $599 for a pair. This is momentum i will refrain from establishing until i build up the momentum needed to push me into another income bracket. Maybe that is why i keep wearing these Taverniti jeans. I gotta get my money's worth.

Can I have a little Sugar with my Ray Leonard?

Growing up LDS, there was a lot of oration on the importance of avoiding canoodling with the opposite sex. It undoubtedly leads to sex before marriage. The Church, as well as most adolescent-oriented, sex-abstinence teaching material, used petting as the preferred moniker for this kind of activity. For some reason, it was always qualified with the same adjectives used to describe syrup in canned peaches.

"Avoid HEAVY petting." (it's even a movie!!!)
"Avoid LIGHT petting." (a perplexing, but probably common scenario for goody-goodies)

Today, 15 years removed. The familiar monikers long forgotten. My friends and I reminisced the old lectures. I instantly visualized entangled boxers fighting the good fight, tired, nearly ready to surrender and I thought: hey! where do we stand on MIDDLEweight petting?

i thought it was funny, and a good loophole for those that live by the letter instead of the spirit of the law.

My Sambo

Once in a while, I like to look at old Gregory family photos. My dad is a camera nut so, our lives are adequately documented on film. I'm glad of this because i just have to look at one photo and I'm instantly happy.

I have to work at a trade show in Vegas next week, and I'm so super excited to see my little brother Sam, his wife and kids. My stomach tickles thinking about it. Sam is in the Air Force and lives on Nellis AFB in Vegas and has two darling kids that are the loves of my life (Travy's kids are the other loves of my life).

I have a nickname for each brother. Really it's just a variation on their real name.

Travis - Travy
Tyler - TiePie
Sam - Sambo

Isn't this old photo of Sambo the cutest? Can't wait to see you next week!

Today I look like the Pillsbury Doughboy

Reading a great book right now, Water for Elephants. Today, I read this:

I could have sworn that just a few seconds ago I was twenty-three, and now here I am in this wretched, desiccated body.

I couldn’t have said how I feel better than this.

Before y’all call the whaaambulance on me. I will concede my bookmark says, “This portion of the ticket should be retained as evidence of your journey.”

Why Continental Airlines hasn’t turned this mundane bit of text on the back of a seat assignment ticket into a full-blown advertising campaign is baffling. I already want everyone to send me their ticket portions so I can make a coffee table book.



Two weeks ago Saturday I was in a van traveling from Cancun International Airport to Playa Del Carmen where I did nothing but sit on the beach, read, drink, eat, shop, sit on the beach more, read more, eat more, drink more and shop less (money isn’t as free flowing as the tequila in Mexico ;-)

I was here:



A week ago Saturday, I returned from a grueling journey from Cancun to SLC. I was sad as hell knowing the post-vacation-blues were moments from reigning supreme over my soul. Then I had to pack again and fly to San Francisco for a work conference. I was home less than 12 hours.

I like SF. I also like this conference, because I get to catch up with work peeps I only see occasionally. So, I can’t complain.

Today, is Monday, and I have no where to go but back to reality. Travel is amazing, but completely unnatural. If a fish flows from the salty sea up a fresh water river, it eventually knows when it has reached its Darwinian limitations.

Humans get in jets, pressurize their bodies so they expand then contract (making me puffy). We breath bad air, kink our necks trying to sleep while moving from tropical, seaside climate zones directly into 6,000 ft. elevation, arid deserts in one hour. No wonder I feel desiccated. I woke up this morning flailing like a fish, gasping for water. There isn’t enough water, or lotion in the world to make me feel better. And that’s just my skin. In just two weeks I’ve been to too many places, seen too many great things and caught up with too many great people than is Darwinianly reasonable, even for a wannabe socialite like me.

Plus, anytime you travel, whether work or pleasure, you eat poorly, drink much more than usual and never sleep well. I look like the Pillsbury Doughboy, only if you push in my tummy, I won’t giggle. I’ll puke on your shoes.

The 4 o'clock Din

Everyday at the office at exactly 4pm two things happen.

1. All of a sudden, I get really, really hungry. (You can read here to see how I solve this).
   
2. I get mental exhaustion (probably caused by hunger) and seek distraction.
   

This isn't uncommon (double negative). Sometimes, at precisely 4 pm, my monitor is a firework display of blinking IM windows popping up all over. I like to launch a few firecrackers at my friends too.

Just like how bears intuitively know when to hibernate, cubicle monkeys intuitively know when a little IM banter is needed.

I thought this random bit of Din was good color.

[15:53] them: i'm listening to scandinavian rock
[15:54] them: in some scandinavian language
[15:55] me: are you also eating pickled herring?
[15:55] me: and moose
[15:55] them: i should be!
[15:55] them: ewww. moose?
[15:55] them: do they eat moose?
[15:55] me: with wasa crackers
[15:55] me: they eat deer and elk, why not moose
[15:55] them: too gamy
[15:55] me: have you tried?
[15:55] me: moose?
[15:56] them: hell no!
[15:56] me: i would
[15:56] me: i bet it's good
[15:56] me: like buffalo
[15:56] them: i would try it chorizo style
[15:56] me: pig buttholes taste good chorizo style, that doesn't count
[15:57] them: ewwwwwww
[15:57] them: wow.. you totally just said that didn't you

Alphabet Soup

Tonia tagged me to share some alphabet soup.

The bits specified below were conceived “in the moment.” While many are solid, some will change in another moment.


A-Attached or single? Attached to Mr. Johnson

B-Best friend? Baby Girl Thompson, Mom, Micquelle

C-Cake or pie? “Cake or death?” Eddie Izzard! I’ll have the chicken please!

D-Day of choice? Daring myself to “live in the moment,” so technically, everyday is choice. Except Monday, the collected wisdom of the world’s most brilliant zen-do-spoon-bending gurus couldn’t fix Monday.

E-Essential item? Every kind of lip balm

F-Favorite color? For now, it’s gold

G-Gummy bears or worms? Gooey teddys

H-Hometown? Hoped it would be further away: kaysville, utah

I-Favorite indulgence? Ice cream

J-January or July? July (If the government can change Daylight Savings, why can’t they just vote January off the calendar)

K-Kids? Kids are great!

L-Life isn't complete without? Lots of roots

M-Marriage date? Memorable: Feb. 25, 1999

N-Number of brothers and sisters? Never a sister, just three brothers

O-Oranges or apples? Only Granny Smith.

P-Phobia and fears? Pervasive enough to merit meds.

Q-Quote? Quotation: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another. Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary

R-Reason to smile? Rare people and the regular ones that make them stand out

S-Season of choice? Summer

T-Tag three people: Tag Kristin! (I’ll think of 2 more in a bit)

U- Unknown fact about me? Unabridged Amie is interesting, but takes more time to read.

V-Vegetable? Variety!

W-Worst habit? Worry, fear, and doubt

X-X-ray or ultrasound? Xtremely weird choice here

Y-Your favorite food? Yes! Food! All of it!

Z-Zodiac sign? Virgo

Say it all in six words

Micquelle is never boring. Her perspective on life is far from fixed. It’s more like the old white rollercoaster at Lagoon: perennial classic, patched with modern reinforcement, fast as hell, and so unstable it’s scary and exhilarating at the same time.



She’s a voracious reader of the New Yorker (I envy this). She recently told me about this story, “Say it all in six words.” Coincidentally, I heard about it over the weekend on NPR too.

Here is the description from NPR:

Once asked to write a full story in six words, legend has it that novelist Ernest Hemingway responded: "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

In this spirit of simple yet profound brevity, the online magazine Smith asked readers to write the story of their own lives in a single sentence. The result is Not Quite What I Was Planning, a collection of six-word memoirs by famous and not-so-famous writers, artists and musicians. Their stories are sometimes sad, often funny — and always concise.

Such a creative idea! I tried it. It’s not easy! I already want to change it. I think I’ll be like Micq and never fix myself to just one. Especially since this first one was "Not Quite What I was Planning."


wakeup in control, retire in vice

The chills of stupidity

This is that painfully awkward feeling you get when you witness people unintentionally making complete fools of themselves.

The early episodes of American Idol give me really bad chills of stupidity. Anyone on Deal or No Deal does this too.

Here's the thing, it's unintentional. So, it makes me wonder how often I prompt chills of stupidity in others.

One time, in a company-wide meeting, the CEO used an analogy to explain the deliciously unexpected benefits received from a corporate initiative. He said "the rest is gravy." And before I knew it, i shouted "Ga raaa veee" like a Southern Baptist says "amen" after a inspirational sermon.

I get chills of stupidity just thinking about it.

How to Usher in Spring

If you’ve had enough of Winter and recently started to sense “that certain something” in the air indicating Spring, then act now by following some, or all of the following pre-Spring rituals so Mother Nature will get the damn show on the road.

• Store all fur (faux and real coats, fur-lined sweaters, jackets, fur hats, furbees)
• Start thinking about how you plan to break-up with your boots for ½ a year. “God, I am so going to miss you too! I promise even if the pirate look is passé next fall, I will wear you with my jeans tucked in so everyone will still know we’re together.”
• Drink a white wine spritzer, or other warm-weather-beverage while it’s still daylight. (have you noticed? The days are longer, so can do this right after work. Or what the hell, have one at noon, it’s Spring!)
• Paint toenails. Use a cool new color, like these from OPI’s Spring 2008 India collection. (ooh, I like the Black Cherry Chutney. Black Cherry Chutney, Black Cherry Chutney - that’s fun to say.)
• Embark on major body hair removal campaign. (I know Julia Roberts does, but I don’t feel super-celebrity-fabulous when mine look like this)
  
  
• Put “tickets on the fridge.” Plan something new to look forward to like a trip to Mexico, a pre-Spring weekend drive. Go skiing with white zinc on your nose and fewer layers. Test a list of sports bars to find perfect headquarters for March Madness.
• Do many, many sit ups so your abs are sore, thus focusing your attention on them for an entire day, which will make you think about swimwear.
• Do many, many more sit ups in preparation for when you are forced to shop for swimwear.
• Start seeing how long you can go with out food while pretending like you’re in a hot desert. (this is silly, I’m fixating on fear of previous bullet)
• Get your car washed inside and out
• Buy Popsicles (I like Pace's Dairy Ann Popsicles)
• Buy new sunglasses
• Listen to Bananarama’s “Cruel Summer”
  

What am I missing?

I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 3

#3 of the Thirteen Virtues

"ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."

It’s Friday. It’s nearly the end of the day. I can’t take it anymore. So, I thought, what is next on Ben’s list?

This is #3? Let all your business have its time.

Thanks Ben. Join the 21st century! This is such a crock it's become comedy. I’m going to let Flight of the Conchords speak for me on this one.

I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 2

#2 "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."

Lazing away on random afternoons, my Dad and I used to waste hours recounting the random thoughts flying across the multimedia TV screens inside our brains.

Here's how you do it:

- sit in silence for approximately 5 seconds
- one person says "Stop!"
- the other person has to try to summarize every thought that occurred in that 5 seconds
- this is when it gets amusing and pretty amazing and it's really hard to do too!
- then switch turns

Pure drivel.

No benefit, all trifle.

Well, at least it's this way for me and Dad. Maybe our pure drivel is genetic, uniquely Gregory. I wonder if other people's thoughts have clarity, linear structure, and intent? I bet our friend Mr. Franklin's did.

I've never played the game with anyone else. Maybe I'm afraid. I'm actually afraid of what I'm about to post here. I have a feeling this 13-part series of blogs on my relationship with Ben are going to leave me feeling quite exposed.

OK, here’s an example of 5 seconds of pure drivel. Although, while reading this, you have to visualize too, because it’s not that I just hear the words, it’s fully produced movie-quality Dolby digital surround sound, HD images of kissing, laughter, beaches, bright red chili sauce on the salad, fortune cookies, bathing beauties with perfect bodies and orange hair, and the smell of hugs and much more. Oh, and I can sometimes taste the peanut butter.

“Holy cow, I ate two tablespoons of peanut butter today and still managed to stay under 1,000 calories! I loved that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I wish I could experience the first moments of dating all over again with B. Yesterday we celebrated 9 years of matrimonial bliss. I wonder if everyone feels this way, they must if they made a movie about it. I wonder if I could get away with orange hair, that would be good color. Then I’d REALLY get taken seriously. I need to schedule that cut before we leave for Mexico, man, I can’t believe that is a month away, I have to loose at least 10 pounds before that, I better throw away that peanut butter and no more eating out, even if it’s salad, there are hidden calories all over the place in restaurants. PeiWei was fun with Micquelle today, I need to make more effort to spend time with her, she’s like battery charger. I reckon that I’m more like a lithium battery cause it seems like the longest I go w/out her, the more I get out of our time together. Isn’t that how those work? You have to let them die out dead before you recharge or else they get lazy memory. it’s the same as that cliché, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Wait, is that the same? I’ll have to think that metaphor over a little more, it doesn’t sound right. oh well, the only thing we don’t like about the new Pei Wei is that it doesn’t have a soda button, just a water button, so we can’t ask for free waters and get free club soda anymore. The PeiWei in sugarhouse is better.”

I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 1

Matt in the cube next door has a drawer full of mini snickers, licorice, pop tarts, Twix, peeps, jelly beans, granola bars and much much more. (this photo was taken after a fresh trip to WalMart)

Like cows bellying up to the feed trough, we assemble in Matt's cube, long after he's gone, and sift though the food to find the perfect salty, sweet, fruity, or chocolaty fix. We know he doesn't mind our eating his food. It's why he has so much.

Why we wait until he leaves is a mystery. I reckon it's because in any office situation, there is a "give and take" mindset at play. So far, we're just takers.

How is it Matt can have all this next to him all day and not eat it all at once? A jar of peanut butter will not survive more than two days if it's inside the perimeter of my cube.

Matt has none of this in him. He doesn't binge (except pistachios, i learned that over the holidays). He's always calm. One time, something upset him and he said "I'm really mad," and I was thinking, so this is what they are talking about when people overdo it on the Botox, he doesn't get mad face creases, grit his teeth, or get red in the face.

He's industrious. He's efficient. He seems frugal. In fact, while talking this over with my coworker over an entire canister of Lays Cheddar Stax (taken from the drawer, of course), I realized that he is just like Ben Franklin (sans the pot belly and balding pate).

Tipping the plastic canister to my lips to empty the last bits of crushed chip crumbs into my mouth, I took pause. Is this possible? Can someone have all 13 virtues?

So, we looked them up. There are a few here I would rather not speculate upon. However, based on the data I do have, and sensibly guessing the unknowns, I bet he's over 50% virtuous.

I know what you're thinking, "50% is not very much!" Now you just take a good look at these and really think over your life, and pretty soon, you too will start asking for clarification on what "unnecessary" really means, or how can one actually measure "useful." We'll talk next week and see where you stack up. I'm sure it's about as high as the Cheddar Stax I just ate.

1. "TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
2. "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
3. "ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
4. "RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
5. "FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
6. "INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
7. "SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
8. "JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
9. "MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
10. "CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
11. "TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
12. "CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
13. "HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."

So, #1.
Temperance.
Where does Amie stack up?

Well, all i can say is use this, this and this current post for reference, and you have your answer.

Lucky Charmers

I love words. I hit Dictionary.com at least five times a day. I try out new words and always get them wrong. I get old words wrong too. Sometimes words loose their meaning, they become cliché, so it’s nice to look up a commonly used word to see what it really means.

Digging in the dictionary as much as I do, I rarely remember when or where I pick up a word.

But, I remember talisman.

tal•is•man [tal-is-muhn, -iz-]
–noun, plural -mans.
1. a stone, ring, or other object, engraved with figures or characters supposed to possess occult powers and worn as an amulet or charm.
2. any amulet or charm.
3. anything whose presence exercises a remarkable or powerful influence on human feelings or actions.

I was 21 and someone whose presence had a remarkable influence over me recommended I read “The Winter of Our Discontent,” by John Steinbeck.

This was a long time ago. I can’t even recall what the book was about. All I can remember is learning the word and that Steinbeck described pink hair curlers as pink suckling sausages.

Revisiting the book, I found these passages.

“So many words are mine because Aunt Deborah first aroused my curiosity and then forced me to satisfy it by my own effort.”

“It’s your talisman, not mine, it means what you want it to mean. Put it back in the cabinet. It will wait for you.”

I secretly believe in talismans and lucky charms. Like a superstitious baseball player, I rely on a few things to quickly send me to a familiar and calm place that is far away. I still have a blanky!


In fact, here is a photo! See that baby? I stole it from that baby. It's the yellow blanket in the foreground. (duh! black and white photo!)

Other lucky charmers I rely upon: left is little brother Tyler (AKA TyPie), I’m in the middle, and Travis (AKA Travy) is on the right. If TyPie is a baby, i must be six.


I used to carry it EVERYWHERE. Then, I slowly weened myself. I remember the commitment I made to leave it in my room rather than take it to dinner, or to watch TV. It was painful, harder than saying no to cheese. But it was my choice, my secret commitment, my decision to grow up.

However, I’m only willing to “grow up” to a certain point. I don’t care if I have issues. I don’t care if people think it’s weird. Everyone should have SOMETHING to mentally place them somewhere else. If I want to use a blanky, I will. The only thing that troubles me right now is whether it will last as long as I do.

A talisman can loose its ala kazam factor. It’s hard to know when this is true. A good sign? When something that once calmed you, now feels blasé, or stirs anxiety. It takes a while to figure this out. You have to test the talisman in different situations to know. If it’s always with you, try leaving it in your room. If you never use it, try taking it everywhere for a week. Carry it when you’re stressed at work. Carry it when your having a lovely day off.

Live with it, live without it and pay attention to how you feel. If it’s an object, put it back in the cabinet. It will wait for you. If it breathes, ask for patience. Remember, it’s YOUR talisman, it means what you want it to mean.

Today feels like an after school special

I am amazed at how often I take simple things like mental stability for granted.

Generally, my more severe bouts of mental instability occur when I wake up at 2:30 am and can’t go back to sleep. The worst part of this predicament is the more and more tactics I employ to fall back asleep, make me more and more anxious. The cycle begins and, like a spiral, I get crazier as each hour of the day passes.

The formula that creates an Amie Golden Spiral:

sleep deprivation = foodblitz times rhythmic episodes of mental hysteria. (I am not mathematically inclined, but I reckon it would look like this: SxFH=Fuck-It-Bucket)

Here are the details:

3:30 am Blake tried to lull me back to sleep by reading aloud a short story by Truman Capote about a sad pathetic guy in prison that thought he had true friendship with a blue-eyed boy with a bedazzled guitar.

Obviously this didn’t work because Capote is an amazing writer and this made my eyes wide awake with terrifying envy. I don’t think he slept either, look at the bags under his eyes.















So, I went to work early. Check out these amazing pictures from my commute. So, this is what it looks like before the sun comes up?

Finally feeling tired, I got hungry and started to eat peanut butter with a spoon, but figured this wasn’t healthy, so I used apple slices as spoons and ate half a jar of Adam’s All Natural Crunchy Peanut butter

Let’s do the math:
1 jar has 14 servings
1 serving has:
- 16 grams of fat
- 210 calories
- 6 carbs

Amie ate 7 servings
- 112 grams of fat
- 1,470 calories
- 42 carbs

This kind of episode is what the Sedaris family calls a “Fuck-It Bucket.”

This happened at 7:30 am. So, I’m just getting started.

Friday, 9:00 am is donut hour at the office. I rarely go. I don’t really like donuts. So I went. Got in trouble for touching two or three donuts before selecting the only chocolate one in the box and it didn’t even have frosting so I split in half with my bare hands, ate a bite from one of the halves, spit it in the trash and put the other half back in the box. Coworkers make it clear i need to leave donut hour.

Instead, found bagels in the kitchen brought by the outsourced, very clean-cut, accounting auditors that visit every year for two weeks to make sure we pay tithing. I’m sure we’ll pay tithing on the bagels too, so I toasted two. TWO bagels. Then loaded each slice (that would be 4 slices, cause I cut them in half to toast) with ½ inch of cream cheese.

Let’s do the math:
1 bite of shitty donut
- 113 calories
- 6.6 grams of fat
- 12 carbs

2 bagels with lotsa cream cheese
- 518 calories
- 20 grams of fat
- 65 carbs

10:30am - raid coworker's drawer for a mini snickers. While doing so, interrupt very important discussion on “how to Pirate Bay.” Chastise coworker for not stalking the drawer with KingSizeSnickers.

Mini Snickers
- 80 calories
- 6 grams of fat
- 10 carbs

11:30am. It’s Friday, the IT kids want to go to the Chicken Coop for lunch. I, being bi-polar eater (mostly pristine, but when it's bad, it's BAD), always decline these invitations. But today, I think, “what the hell, you can’t kill the rooster.”


Chicken Coop – Actually, it’s the Wing Coop. I like Chicken Coop better. It’s visually disturbing.

Today is sunny. So, the kids are stylin in whatever sunglasses they could find in my car. Ivan is missing a lense, Scott should get a modeling contract with Donna Karan, those are fab!


Here’s what I had:
- 5 Canonero chicken wings (with some feathers)
- Boat-o-fries
- 2 bites of corn bread
- 1 pat of butter
- A few tablespoons of blue cheese dressing

Math:
- 1,600 calories
- 60 grams of fat
- 73 carbs

Couldn’t end lunch with weird wing aftertaste. Need a treat. Not just ice-cream. Need a malt.

Hires Big H with car hop service!

- Peanut Butter and Banana Malt
- Cherry Lime Ricky

Note: I was double-fisting it!

Math:
- 867 calories
- 140 carbs
- 20 grams of fat


½ hour after finishing my malt. I tried to get Kristin to go with me into the bathroom to throw up my food.

Just like an after school special.

I couldn’t do this alone. I needed company with my painful misery. I needed reassurance that her chocolate malt was not sitting well with her either. She threw hers away! I almost grabbed it out of the garbage to finish it. Oh the pain, and the shame. Please! Kristin, purge with me!

She won’t.

It’s been two hours. I still want to blow beads on my keyboard.

But, I decided not to regret this strange sequence of hysterical episodes. Apparently, I’m not the only one that needed a fuck-it-bucket today. One fourth of the company needs to reimburse my next door cube mate for all of the candy, pop tarts, licorice and M&Ms we’ve eaten today. The power went out in the kitchen so someone even relocated the toaster into our little corner so we could finish off the pop tarts and bagels.

What is it? This being out-of-sorts. So much anxiety and gluttonous torture. Over what? The bliss I felt when I saw the sky on my commute? The fits of laughter sparked by the bizarre stories told at the Chicken Coop? The delight in the ongoing banter between my coworkers over why it is pop tarts and Snickers somehow soothe a stressful day?

It all just feels like I did after school. From overstimulation and sheer fatigue, me and my girlfriend would eat 5 bowls of Cocoa Pebbles and talk about how lame everyone at school is, meanwhile secretly knowing that we kinda like going to school.

The Grand Total (unpurged) so far today. 4:45 pm

- 4,858 Calories
- 240.6 grams of fat
- 345 carbs