McSweeney's Lists

I love to read the lists on McSweeney's. This one by Spencer Green, really makes me laugh. I occasionally spend time reading my spam filter. It's so impudent. I reckon, the collection of these pesky e-mails accurately articulates the perception the rest of the work has about Americans. It's not that far off. I once thought I could loose 15 pounds by eliminating the muck in my intestines.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in My Spam Box

BY SPENCER GREEN

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I am an average American.

The average credit score of an average American is 608.

I have a house mortgage.

I gamble—poorly—but want to do better.

I want to lose weight.

I'm holding between 25 and 30 pounds of fat in my intestines.

I dig Christian singles.

My perfect match is waiting for me somewhere in my hometown.

I could find her this week.

I want to start a home business and start making real money.

Easy work and great pay always go together.

Earning potential, unlike money, is unlimited.

The best things in life—meaning expensive electronics like BlackBerrys and MacBook Airs—are free.

For most things in life, only my confirmation is needed.

I want to learn magic and/or hypnosis to attract health, love, money, and to get revenge (the good kind).

There is always another last chance.

Qualifying for and winning awards doesn't require anything—least of all knowing they exist.

Amazing secrets are hidden by nothing more than a mouse click.

I have two friends, Maureen and Angie, who talk about me daily.

Approval is guaranteed.