Today feels like an after school special

I am amazed at how often I take simple things like mental stability for granted.

Generally, my more severe bouts of mental instability occur when I wake up at 2:30 am and can’t go back to sleep. The worst part of this predicament is the more and more tactics I employ to fall back asleep, make me more and more anxious. The cycle begins and, like a spiral, I get crazier as each hour of the day passes.

The formula that creates an Amie Golden Spiral:

sleep deprivation = foodblitz times rhythmic episodes of mental hysteria. (I am not mathematically inclined, but I reckon it would look like this: SxFH=Fuck-It-Bucket)

Here are the details:

3:30 am Blake tried to lull me back to sleep by reading aloud a short story by Truman Capote about a sad pathetic guy in prison that thought he had true friendship with a blue-eyed boy with a bedazzled guitar.

Obviously this didn’t work because Capote is an amazing writer and this made my eyes wide awake with terrifying envy. I don’t think he slept either, look at the bags under his eyes.















So, I went to work early. Check out these amazing pictures from my commute. So, this is what it looks like before the sun comes up?

Finally feeling tired, I got hungry and started to eat peanut butter with a spoon, but figured this wasn’t healthy, so I used apple slices as spoons and ate half a jar of Adam’s All Natural Crunchy Peanut butter

Let’s do the math:
1 jar has 14 servings
1 serving has:
- 16 grams of fat
- 210 calories
- 6 carbs

Amie ate 7 servings
- 112 grams of fat
- 1,470 calories
- 42 carbs

This kind of episode is what the Sedaris family calls a “Fuck-It Bucket.”

This happened at 7:30 am. So, I’m just getting started.

Friday, 9:00 am is donut hour at the office. I rarely go. I don’t really like donuts. So I went. Got in trouble for touching two or three donuts before selecting the only chocolate one in the box and it didn’t even have frosting so I split in half with my bare hands, ate a bite from one of the halves, spit it in the trash and put the other half back in the box. Coworkers make it clear i need to leave donut hour.

Instead, found bagels in the kitchen brought by the outsourced, very clean-cut, accounting auditors that visit every year for two weeks to make sure we pay tithing. I’m sure we’ll pay tithing on the bagels too, so I toasted two. TWO bagels. Then loaded each slice (that would be 4 slices, cause I cut them in half to toast) with ½ inch of cream cheese.

Let’s do the math:
1 bite of shitty donut
- 113 calories
- 6.6 grams of fat
- 12 carbs

2 bagels with lotsa cream cheese
- 518 calories
- 20 grams of fat
- 65 carbs

10:30am - raid coworker's drawer for a mini snickers. While doing so, interrupt very important discussion on “how to Pirate Bay.” Chastise coworker for not stalking the drawer with KingSizeSnickers.

Mini Snickers
- 80 calories
- 6 grams of fat
- 10 carbs

11:30am. It’s Friday, the IT kids want to go to the Chicken Coop for lunch. I, being bi-polar eater (mostly pristine, but when it's bad, it's BAD), always decline these invitations. But today, I think, “what the hell, you can’t kill the rooster.”


Chicken Coop – Actually, it’s the Wing Coop. I like Chicken Coop better. It’s visually disturbing.

Today is sunny. So, the kids are stylin in whatever sunglasses they could find in my car. Ivan is missing a lense, Scott should get a modeling contract with Donna Karan, those are fab!


Here’s what I had:
- 5 Canonero chicken wings (with some feathers)
- Boat-o-fries
- 2 bites of corn bread
- 1 pat of butter
- A few tablespoons of blue cheese dressing

Math:
- 1,600 calories
- 60 grams of fat
- 73 carbs

Couldn’t end lunch with weird wing aftertaste. Need a treat. Not just ice-cream. Need a malt.

Hires Big H with car hop service!

- Peanut Butter and Banana Malt
- Cherry Lime Ricky

Note: I was double-fisting it!

Math:
- 867 calories
- 140 carbs
- 20 grams of fat


½ hour after finishing my malt. I tried to get Kristin to go with me into the bathroom to throw up my food.

Just like an after school special.

I couldn’t do this alone. I needed company with my painful misery. I needed reassurance that her chocolate malt was not sitting well with her either. She threw hers away! I almost grabbed it out of the garbage to finish it. Oh the pain, and the shame. Please! Kristin, purge with me!

She won’t.

It’s been two hours. I still want to blow beads on my keyboard.

But, I decided not to regret this strange sequence of hysterical episodes. Apparently, I’m not the only one that needed a fuck-it-bucket today. One fourth of the company needs to reimburse my next door cube mate for all of the candy, pop tarts, licorice and M&Ms we’ve eaten today. The power went out in the kitchen so someone even relocated the toaster into our little corner so we could finish off the pop tarts and bagels.

What is it? This being out-of-sorts. So much anxiety and gluttonous torture. Over what? The bliss I felt when I saw the sky on my commute? The fits of laughter sparked by the bizarre stories told at the Chicken Coop? The delight in the ongoing banter between my coworkers over why it is pop tarts and Snickers somehow soothe a stressful day?

It all just feels like I did after school. From overstimulation and sheer fatigue, me and my girlfriend would eat 5 bowls of Cocoa Pebbles and talk about how lame everyone at school is, meanwhile secretly knowing that we kinda like going to school.

The Grand Total (unpurged) so far today. 4:45 pm

- 4,858 Calories
- 240.6 grams of fat
- 345 carbs