Say it all in six words

Micquelle is never boring. Her perspective on life is far from fixed. It’s more like the old white rollercoaster at Lagoon: perennial classic, patched with modern reinforcement, fast as hell, and so unstable it’s scary and exhilarating at the same time.



She’s a voracious reader of the New Yorker (I envy this). She recently told me about this story, “Say it all in six words.” Coincidentally, I heard about it over the weekend on NPR too.

Here is the description from NPR:

Once asked to write a full story in six words, legend has it that novelist Ernest Hemingway responded: "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

In this spirit of simple yet profound brevity, the online magazine Smith asked readers to write the story of their own lives in a single sentence. The result is Not Quite What I Was Planning, a collection of six-word memoirs by famous and not-so-famous writers, artists and musicians. Their stories are sometimes sad, often funny — and always concise.

Such a creative idea! I tried it. It’s not easy! I already want to change it. I think I’ll be like Micq and never fix myself to just one. Especially since this first one was "Not Quite What I was Planning."


wakeup in control, retire in vice

The chills of stupidity

This is that painfully awkward feeling you get when you witness people unintentionally making complete fools of themselves.

The early episodes of American Idol give me really bad chills of stupidity. Anyone on Deal or No Deal does this too.

Here's the thing, it's unintentional. So, it makes me wonder how often I prompt chills of stupidity in others.

One time, in a company-wide meeting, the CEO used an analogy to explain the deliciously unexpected benefits received from a corporate initiative. He said "the rest is gravy." And before I knew it, i shouted "Ga raaa veee" like a Southern Baptist says "amen" after a inspirational sermon.

I get chills of stupidity just thinking about it.

How to Usher in Spring

If you’ve had enough of Winter and recently started to sense “that certain something” in the air indicating Spring, then act now by following some, or all of the following pre-Spring rituals so Mother Nature will get the damn show on the road.

• Store all fur (faux and real coats, fur-lined sweaters, jackets, fur hats, furbees)
• Start thinking about how you plan to break-up with your boots for ½ a year. “God, I am so going to miss you too! I promise even if the pirate look is passé next fall, I will wear you with my jeans tucked in so everyone will still know we’re together.”
• Drink a white wine spritzer, or other warm-weather-beverage while it’s still daylight. (have you noticed? The days are longer, so can do this right after work. Or what the hell, have one at noon, it’s Spring!)
• Paint toenails. Use a cool new color, like these from OPI’s Spring 2008 India collection. (ooh, I like the Black Cherry Chutney. Black Cherry Chutney, Black Cherry Chutney - that’s fun to say.)
• Embark on major body hair removal campaign. (I know Julia Roberts does, but I don’t feel super-celebrity-fabulous when mine look like this)
  
  
• Put “tickets on the fridge.” Plan something new to look forward to like a trip to Mexico, a pre-Spring weekend drive. Go skiing with white zinc on your nose and fewer layers. Test a list of sports bars to find perfect headquarters for March Madness.
• Do many, many sit ups so your abs are sore, thus focusing your attention on them for an entire day, which will make you think about swimwear.
• Do many, many more sit ups in preparation for when you are forced to shop for swimwear.
• Start seeing how long you can go with out food while pretending like you’re in a hot desert. (this is silly, I’m fixating on fear of previous bullet)
• Get your car washed inside and out
• Buy Popsicles (I like Pace's Dairy Ann Popsicles)
• Buy new sunglasses
• Listen to Bananarama’s “Cruel Summer”
  

What am I missing?

I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 3

#3 of the Thirteen Virtues

"ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."

It’s Friday. It’s nearly the end of the day. I can’t take it anymore. So, I thought, what is next on Ben’s list?

This is #3? Let all your business have its time.

Thanks Ben. Join the 21st century! This is such a crock it's become comedy. I’m going to let Flight of the Conchords speak for me on this one.

I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 2

#2 "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."

Lazing away on random afternoons, my Dad and I used to waste hours recounting the random thoughts flying across the multimedia TV screens inside our brains.

Here's how you do it:

- sit in silence for approximately 5 seconds
- one person says "Stop!"
- the other person has to try to summarize every thought that occurred in that 5 seconds
- this is when it gets amusing and pretty amazing and it's really hard to do too!
- then switch turns

Pure drivel.

No benefit, all trifle.

Well, at least it's this way for me and Dad. Maybe our pure drivel is genetic, uniquely Gregory. I wonder if other people's thoughts have clarity, linear structure, and intent? I bet our friend Mr. Franklin's did.

I've never played the game with anyone else. Maybe I'm afraid. I'm actually afraid of what I'm about to post here. I have a feeling this 13-part series of blogs on my relationship with Ben are going to leave me feeling quite exposed.

OK, here’s an example of 5 seconds of pure drivel. Although, while reading this, you have to visualize too, because it’s not that I just hear the words, it’s fully produced movie-quality Dolby digital surround sound, HD images of kissing, laughter, beaches, bright red chili sauce on the salad, fortune cookies, bathing beauties with perfect bodies and orange hair, and the smell of hugs and much more. Oh, and I can sometimes taste the peanut butter.

“Holy cow, I ate two tablespoons of peanut butter today and still managed to stay under 1,000 calories! I loved that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I wish I could experience the first moments of dating all over again with B. Yesterday we celebrated 9 years of matrimonial bliss. I wonder if everyone feels this way, they must if they made a movie about it. I wonder if I could get away with orange hair, that would be good color. Then I’d REALLY get taken seriously. I need to schedule that cut before we leave for Mexico, man, I can’t believe that is a month away, I have to loose at least 10 pounds before that, I better throw away that peanut butter and no more eating out, even if it’s salad, there are hidden calories all over the place in restaurants. PeiWei was fun with Micquelle today, I need to make more effort to spend time with her, she’s like battery charger. I reckon that I’m more like a lithium battery cause it seems like the longest I go w/out her, the more I get out of our time together. Isn’t that how those work? You have to let them die out dead before you recharge or else they get lazy memory. it’s the same as that cliché, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Wait, is that the same? I’ll have to think that metaphor over a little more, it doesn’t sound right. oh well, the only thing we don’t like about the new Pei Wei is that it doesn’t have a soda button, just a water button, so we can’t ask for free waters and get free club soda anymore. The PeiWei in sugarhouse is better.”

I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 1

Matt in the cube next door has a drawer full of mini snickers, licorice, pop tarts, Twix, peeps, jelly beans, granola bars and much much more. (this photo was taken after a fresh trip to WalMart)

Like cows bellying up to the feed trough, we assemble in Matt's cube, long after he's gone, and sift though the food to find the perfect salty, sweet, fruity, or chocolaty fix. We know he doesn't mind our eating his food. It's why he has so much.

Why we wait until he leaves is a mystery. I reckon it's because in any office situation, there is a "give and take" mindset at play. So far, we're just takers.

How is it Matt can have all this next to him all day and not eat it all at once? A jar of peanut butter will not survive more than two days if it's inside the perimeter of my cube.

Matt has none of this in him. He doesn't binge (except pistachios, i learned that over the holidays). He's always calm. One time, something upset him and he said "I'm really mad," and I was thinking, so this is what they are talking about when people overdo it on the Botox, he doesn't get mad face creases, grit his teeth, or get red in the face.

He's industrious. He's efficient. He seems frugal. In fact, while talking this over with my coworker over an entire canister of Lays Cheddar Stax (taken from the drawer, of course), I realized that he is just like Ben Franklin (sans the pot belly and balding pate).

Tipping the plastic canister to my lips to empty the last bits of crushed chip crumbs into my mouth, I took pause. Is this possible? Can someone have all 13 virtues?

So, we looked them up. There are a few here I would rather not speculate upon. However, based on the data I do have, and sensibly guessing the unknowns, I bet he's over 50% virtuous.

I know what you're thinking, "50% is not very much!" Now you just take a good look at these and really think over your life, and pretty soon, you too will start asking for clarification on what "unnecessary" really means, or how can one actually measure "useful." We'll talk next week and see where you stack up. I'm sure it's about as high as the Cheddar Stax I just ate.

1. "TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
2. "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
3. "ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
4. "RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
5. "FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
6. "INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
7. "SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
8. "JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
9. "MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
10. "CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
11. "TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
12. "CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
13. "HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."

So, #1.
Temperance.
Where does Amie stack up?

Well, all i can say is use this, this and this current post for reference, and you have your answer.

Lucky Charmers

I love words. I hit Dictionary.com at least five times a day. I try out new words and always get them wrong. I get old words wrong too. Sometimes words loose their meaning, they become cliché, so it’s nice to look up a commonly used word to see what it really means.

Digging in the dictionary as much as I do, I rarely remember when or where I pick up a word.

But, I remember talisman.

tal•is•man [tal-is-muhn, -iz-]
–noun, plural -mans.
1. a stone, ring, or other object, engraved with figures or characters supposed to possess occult powers and worn as an amulet or charm.
2. any amulet or charm.
3. anything whose presence exercises a remarkable or powerful influence on human feelings or actions.

I was 21 and someone whose presence had a remarkable influence over me recommended I read “The Winter of Our Discontent,” by John Steinbeck.

This was a long time ago. I can’t even recall what the book was about. All I can remember is learning the word and that Steinbeck described pink hair curlers as pink suckling sausages.

Revisiting the book, I found these passages.

“So many words are mine because Aunt Deborah first aroused my curiosity and then forced me to satisfy it by my own effort.”

“It’s your talisman, not mine, it means what you want it to mean. Put it back in the cabinet. It will wait for you.”

I secretly believe in talismans and lucky charms. Like a superstitious baseball player, I rely on a few things to quickly send me to a familiar and calm place that is far away. I still have a blanky!


In fact, here is a photo! See that baby? I stole it from that baby. It's the yellow blanket in the foreground. (duh! black and white photo!)

Other lucky charmers I rely upon: left is little brother Tyler (AKA TyPie), I’m in the middle, and Travis (AKA Travy) is on the right. If TyPie is a baby, i must be six.


I used to carry it EVERYWHERE. Then, I slowly weened myself. I remember the commitment I made to leave it in my room rather than take it to dinner, or to watch TV. It was painful, harder than saying no to cheese. But it was my choice, my secret commitment, my decision to grow up.

However, I’m only willing to “grow up” to a certain point. I don’t care if I have issues. I don’t care if people think it’s weird. Everyone should have SOMETHING to mentally place them somewhere else. If I want to use a blanky, I will. The only thing that troubles me right now is whether it will last as long as I do.

A talisman can loose its ala kazam factor. It’s hard to know when this is true. A good sign? When something that once calmed you, now feels blasé, or stirs anxiety. It takes a while to figure this out. You have to test the talisman in different situations to know. If it’s always with you, try leaving it in your room. If you never use it, try taking it everywhere for a week. Carry it when you’re stressed at work. Carry it when your having a lovely day off.

Live with it, live without it and pay attention to how you feel. If it’s an object, put it back in the cabinet. It will wait for you. If it breathes, ask for patience. Remember, it’s YOUR talisman, it means what you want it to mean.