The 4 o'clock Din

Everyday at the office at exactly 4pm two things happen.

1. All of a sudden, I get really, really hungry. (You can read here to see how I solve this).
   
2. I get mental exhaustion (probably caused by hunger) and seek distraction.
   

This isn't uncommon (double negative). Sometimes, at precisely 4 pm, my monitor is a firework display of blinking IM windows popping up all over. I like to launch a few firecrackers at my friends too.

Just like how bears intuitively know when to hibernate, cubicle monkeys intuitively know when a little IM banter is needed.

I thought this random bit of Din was good color.

[15:53] them: i'm listening to scandinavian rock
[15:54] them: in some scandinavian language
[15:55] me: are you also eating pickled herring?
[15:55] me: and moose
[15:55] them: i should be!
[15:55] them: ewww. moose?
[15:55] them: do they eat moose?
[15:55] me: with wasa crackers
[15:55] me: they eat deer and elk, why not moose
[15:55] them: too gamy
[15:55] me: have you tried?
[15:55] me: moose?
[15:56] them: hell no!
[15:56] me: i would
[15:56] me: i bet it's good
[15:56] me: like buffalo
[15:56] them: i would try it chorizo style
[15:56] me: pig buttholes taste good chorizo style, that doesn't count
[15:57] them: ewwwwwww
[15:57] them: wow.. you totally just said that didn't you

Alphabet Soup

Tonia tagged me to share some alphabet soup.

The bits specified below were conceived “in the moment.” While many are solid, some will change in another moment.


A-Attached or single? Attached to Mr. Johnson

B-Best friend? Baby Girl Thompson, Mom, Micquelle

C-Cake or pie? “Cake or death?” Eddie Izzard! I’ll have the chicken please!

D-Day of choice? Daring myself to “live in the moment,” so technically, everyday is choice. Except Monday, the collected wisdom of the world’s most brilliant zen-do-spoon-bending gurus couldn’t fix Monday.

E-Essential item? Every kind of lip balm

F-Favorite color? For now, it’s gold

G-Gummy bears or worms? Gooey teddys

H-Hometown? Hoped it would be further away: kaysville, utah

I-Favorite indulgence? Ice cream

J-January or July? July (If the government can change Daylight Savings, why can’t they just vote January off the calendar)

K-Kids? Kids are great!

L-Life isn't complete without? Lots of roots

M-Marriage date? Memorable: Feb. 25, 1999

N-Number of brothers and sisters? Never a sister, just three brothers

O-Oranges or apples? Only Granny Smith.

P-Phobia and fears? Pervasive enough to merit meds.

Q-Quote? Quotation: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another. Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary

R-Reason to smile? Rare people and the regular ones that make them stand out

S-Season of choice? Summer

T-Tag three people: Tag Kristin! (I’ll think of 2 more in a bit)

U- Unknown fact about me? Unabridged Amie is interesting, but takes more time to read.

V-Vegetable? Variety!

W-Worst habit? Worry, fear, and doubt

X-X-ray or ultrasound? Xtremely weird choice here

Y-Your favorite food? Yes! Food! All of it!

Z-Zodiac sign? Virgo

Say it all in six words

Micquelle is never boring. Her perspective on life is far from fixed. It’s more like the old white rollercoaster at Lagoon: perennial classic, patched with modern reinforcement, fast as hell, and so unstable it’s scary and exhilarating at the same time.



She’s a voracious reader of the New Yorker (I envy this). She recently told me about this story, “Say it all in six words.” Coincidentally, I heard about it over the weekend on NPR too.

Here is the description from NPR:

Once asked to write a full story in six words, legend has it that novelist Ernest Hemingway responded: "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

In this spirit of simple yet profound brevity, the online magazine Smith asked readers to write the story of their own lives in a single sentence. The result is Not Quite What I Was Planning, a collection of six-word memoirs by famous and not-so-famous writers, artists and musicians. Their stories are sometimes sad, often funny — and always concise.

Such a creative idea! I tried it. It’s not easy! I already want to change it. I think I’ll be like Micq and never fix myself to just one. Especially since this first one was "Not Quite What I was Planning."


wakeup in control, retire in vice

The chills of stupidity

This is that painfully awkward feeling you get when you witness people unintentionally making complete fools of themselves.

The early episodes of American Idol give me really bad chills of stupidity. Anyone on Deal or No Deal does this too.

Here's the thing, it's unintentional. So, it makes me wonder how often I prompt chills of stupidity in others.

One time, in a company-wide meeting, the CEO used an analogy to explain the deliciously unexpected benefits received from a corporate initiative. He said "the rest is gravy." And before I knew it, i shouted "Ga raaa veee" like a Southern Baptist says "amen" after a inspirational sermon.

I get chills of stupidity just thinking about it.

How to Usher in Spring

If you’ve had enough of Winter and recently started to sense “that certain something” in the air indicating Spring, then act now by following some, or all of the following pre-Spring rituals so Mother Nature will get the damn show on the road.

• Store all fur (faux and real coats, fur-lined sweaters, jackets, fur hats, furbees)
• Start thinking about how you plan to break-up with your boots for ½ a year. “God, I am so going to miss you too! I promise even if the pirate look is passé next fall, I will wear you with my jeans tucked in so everyone will still know we’re together.”
• Drink a white wine spritzer, or other warm-weather-beverage while it’s still daylight. (have you noticed? The days are longer, so can do this right after work. Or what the hell, have one at noon, it’s Spring!)
• Paint toenails. Use a cool new color, like these from OPI’s Spring 2008 India collection. (ooh, I like the Black Cherry Chutney. Black Cherry Chutney, Black Cherry Chutney - that’s fun to say.)
• Embark on major body hair removal campaign. (I know Julia Roberts does, but I don’t feel super-celebrity-fabulous when mine look like this)
  
  
• Put “tickets on the fridge.” Plan something new to look forward to like a trip to Mexico, a pre-Spring weekend drive. Go skiing with white zinc on your nose and fewer layers. Test a list of sports bars to find perfect headquarters for March Madness.
• Do many, many sit ups so your abs are sore, thus focusing your attention on them for an entire day, which will make you think about swimwear.
• Do many, many more sit ups in preparation for when you are forced to shop for swimwear.
• Start seeing how long you can go with out food while pretending like you’re in a hot desert. (this is silly, I’m fixating on fear of previous bullet)
• Get your car washed inside and out
• Buy Popsicles (I like Pace's Dairy Ann Popsicles)
• Buy new sunglasses
• Listen to Bananarama’s “Cruel Summer”
  

What am I missing?

I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 3

#3 of the Thirteen Virtues

"ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."

It’s Friday. It’s nearly the end of the day. I can’t take it anymore. So, I thought, what is next on Ben’s list?

This is #3? Let all your business have its time.

Thanks Ben. Join the 21st century! This is such a crock it's become comedy. I’m going to let Flight of the Conchords speak for me on this one.

I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 2

#2 "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."

Lazing away on random afternoons, my Dad and I used to waste hours recounting the random thoughts flying across the multimedia TV screens inside our brains.

Here's how you do it:

- sit in silence for approximately 5 seconds
- one person says "Stop!"
- the other person has to try to summarize every thought that occurred in that 5 seconds
- this is when it gets amusing and pretty amazing and it's really hard to do too!
- then switch turns

Pure drivel.

No benefit, all trifle.

Well, at least it's this way for me and Dad. Maybe our pure drivel is genetic, uniquely Gregory. I wonder if other people's thoughts have clarity, linear structure, and intent? I bet our friend Mr. Franklin's did.

I've never played the game with anyone else. Maybe I'm afraid. I'm actually afraid of what I'm about to post here. I have a feeling this 13-part series of blogs on my relationship with Ben are going to leave me feeling quite exposed.

OK, here’s an example of 5 seconds of pure drivel. Although, while reading this, you have to visualize too, because it’s not that I just hear the words, it’s fully produced movie-quality Dolby digital surround sound, HD images of kissing, laughter, beaches, bright red chili sauce on the salad, fortune cookies, bathing beauties with perfect bodies and orange hair, and the smell of hugs and much more. Oh, and I can sometimes taste the peanut butter.

“Holy cow, I ate two tablespoons of peanut butter today and still managed to stay under 1,000 calories! I loved that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I wish I could experience the first moments of dating all over again with B. Yesterday we celebrated 9 years of matrimonial bliss. I wonder if everyone feels this way, they must if they made a movie about it. I wonder if I could get away with orange hair, that would be good color. Then I’d REALLY get taken seriously. I need to schedule that cut before we leave for Mexico, man, I can’t believe that is a month away, I have to loose at least 10 pounds before that, I better throw away that peanut butter and no more eating out, even if it’s salad, there are hidden calories all over the place in restaurants. PeiWei was fun with Micquelle today, I need to make more effort to spend time with her, she’s like battery charger. I reckon that I’m more like a lithium battery cause it seems like the longest I go w/out her, the more I get out of our time together. Isn’t that how those work? You have to let them die out dead before you recharge or else they get lazy memory. it’s the same as that cliché, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Wait, is that the same? I’ll have to think that metaphor over a little more, it doesn’t sound right. oh well, the only thing we don’t like about the new Pei Wei is that it doesn’t have a soda button, just a water button, so we can’t ask for free waters and get free club soda anymore. The PeiWei in sugarhouse is better.”