Funion Onion

I've been on an Onion kick lately. The good kind. The kind that won't make your breath stink. I work in PR, so I think in headlines a lot. Thinking in Onion headlines is more fun than the drippy stuff I do for work. It is possible to come up with an Onion for almost every situation. Even bad situations. Onions can put life in perspective. No doubt.

The kick started when I (anonymously) printed this story to every printer in the office so random people would stumble upon it. I also sent it via e-mail from subordinates to their bosses (don't ever do this). Just wanted to mix it up a bit. It worked. But not as planned. I am glad forgiveness can be bought with a fish taco plate at Lone Star.

Saturday night I said, "let's play Onion headlines!" The idea was shunned. I persisted. Good times, good times. Mediocre at best, but alas, joi de vivre is found in the journey, not the outcome.

Scrapbooking Industry Declines as Nation Lives in Moment

Fortune Tellers’ Jobless Rate Soars as Nation Lives in Moment

Note on this: my husband is convinced nobody says, “living in the moment.” I hear it every day! Who is correct? (if you say him, he won’t read it. Apparently he is living in isolation ;-)

High Fuel Costs Limit Huffing Gas to Upper Socioeconomic Strata

Area Man Sells Roof to Keep House

Search for Affordable Recreation Drives Masturbation Craze

Now I just need to pen the stories. The last headline will likely be the story with the most street slang.

Multi-Listening, Multi-tasking, Multi-Din

My best friend forever, AKA, BFF, IM'd me today. (That sentence is f#$ked with acronyms.)

I'm glad about IM (she said with a Pollyanna grin). Otherwise, I would rarely talk with my friend, or anyone for that matter. It's well known I don't answer the phone.

With IM, we can chat and muck around on our computers at the same time. Its idiosyncratic quality captures authentic, and hilarious bits of Din.

Thanks BFF for saving this one, we will always share a good laugh over it. Not sure if anyone else will, but we don't care as we know true happiness is beyond the need for approval. We know where to find true happiness, which only well intended readers will learn since it's buried in this conversation.


(4:33:46 PM) BFF: I'M A MEMBER OF SETH GODIN'S NEW "TRIBE!!"
(4:33:52 PM) BFF: :D
(4:41:54 PM) AMIE: shut up
(4:41:58 PM) AMIE: how do you do that?
(4:42:20 PM) AMIE: congrats
(4:42:22 PM) BFF: Today is such a GREAT day for networking!!
(4:42:33 PM) BFF: OMG!
(4:42:33 PM) AMIE: you're cute
(4:42:48 PM) BFF: AGJ, I need astronaut diapers
(4:43:02 PM) BFF: barely contain myself
(4:43:17 PM) BFF: when R U coming to visit!??????????????????????
(4:43:24 PM) BFF: I miss shooting shit with you
(4:43:59 PM) AMIE: i know
(4:44:04 PM) AMIE: when should i come, soon i think
(4:44:07 PM) AMIE: how much are tickets
(4:51:01 PM) AMIE: i can tell you're so happy, what is this group anyway, is it like the inner circle?
(4:51:11 PM) BFF: CLOSED
(4:51:14 PM) BFF: EXCLUSIVE
(4:51:24 PM) BFF: FIRST COMERS
(4:51:35 PM) AMIE: wow
(4:51:53 PM) BFF: At least that's what Seth says (what else do you expect - he's a marketing dude)
(4:52:00 PM) AMIE: true
(4:52:12 PM) BFF: but he's a genius. People are going NUTS in there already
(4:52:25 PM) BFF: The activity is pirahna like
(4:52:42 PM) AMIE: what are they going nuts over?
(4:52:47 PM) AMIE: being there, or over a topic?
(4:53:21 PM) AMIE: dude, does the blog o sphere say anything about how it sucks to try to make a comment on MySpace cause it's a locked thing?
(4:53:25 PM) AMIE: it's very anti social
(4:53:35 PM) BFF: It's all the stuff you can do in the community. Like facebook on steroids but we all have connection to Seth (marketing) as a starting point.
(4:54:02 PM) AMIE: oh, kewl
(4:54:36 PM) BFF: I heard that MySpace is for rich people...which would explain why I'm on Facebook
(4:56:06 PM) AMIE: LOL i wish i was one
(4:56:17 PM) BFF: Money doesn't make you more valuable - no way
(4:56:34 PM) BFF: You are rich...just not with money
(4:57:27 PM) AMIE: hey! funny you should say, i'm reading The Power of Now
(4:57:33 PM) AMIE: you read it?
(4:57:40 PM) BFF: Must look it up...
(4:57:56 PM) AMIE: oprah loves this guy
(4:58:07 PM) BFF: Oh. the Oprah book dude...did the Skype class
(4:58:08 PM) BFF: si.
(4:59:05 PM) AMIE: yes, i'm trying to use the power of positive thinking by listing that i want an iPhone on Facebook
(4:59:12 PM) AMIE: if you list it in the present tense, it might happen
(4:59:14 PM) AMIE: it's not working
(4:59:58 PM) BFF: You know what's great about Gerry's books? They have the same affect - you feel better about yourself - but they're not designed to "teach you" to have that result...not forced. G's books produce that result NATURALLY. That is why everyone is IN LOVE with him. He's all about love, man. Read some of the comments on his blog. IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND
(5:00:20 PM) AMIE: ok
(5:01:08 PM) BFF: the next gen iPhone will be even better....be patient
(5:01:16 PM) AMIE: when is that out?
(5:01:24 PM) BFF: there's always another one
(5:01:26 PM) AMIE: i thought this one was the next gen one
(5:01:30 PM) AMIE: it's 3G
(5:02:03 PM) BFF: the one that will come after 3G
(5:02:14 PM) AMIE: still
(5:02:26 PM) AMIE: i was hping that if i threw it out to the universe, i'd get a free one
(5:02:37 PM) AMIE: trying to use my powers of positive thinking for evil instead of good
(5:02:45 PM) BFF: Now you're talking about the SECRET
(5:02:51 PM) BFF: ;)
(5:03:03 PM) AMIE: oh! i get them all mixed up
(5:03:14 PM) AMIE: it's all the same stuff my mom learned when she went to LifeSpring
(5:03:22 PM) AMIE: variations on a theme
(5:03:24 PM) BFF: You're kidding.
(5:03:27 PM) BFF: really?
(5:03:44 PM) BFF: H always says the greatest ideas are never "new" ones
(5:03:58 PM) BFF: ideas and products
(5:04:06 PM) AMIE: it's true
(5:04:09 PM) BFF: always an iteration of something else
(5:04:12 PM) AMIE: it'a all rehashed material
(5:04:20 PM) BFF: THAT'S WHY SOCIAL MEDIA IS SO COOL
(5:04:21 PM) AMIE: iteration is a better word
(5:04:40 PM) AMIE: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lifespring
(5:04:53 PM) BFF: It's an iterative communication process...rehashed...remashed...
(5:05:49 PM) BFF: sad to say I'm old enough to remember the name...
(5:05:59 PM) AMIE: oh
(5:06:00 PM) BFF: :-S
(5:06:03 PM) AMIE: you're not old
(5:06:17 PM) AMIE: i do see your point on the social media thing
(5:06:17 PM) BFF: My birthday present to me is FACE WORK
(5:06:28 PM) BFF: yeah, social media rocketh
(5:07:27 PM) AMIE: what is FACE Work
(5:07:33 PM) BFF: work on my FACE
(5:07:33 PM) AMIE: a new facebook thing?
(5:07:39 PM) AMIE: oh! that kind
(5:07:43 PM) AMIE: holy shit you don't need that
(5:07:45 PM) BFF: like botox or something
(5:07:48 PM) AMIE: dood
(5:07:51 PM) AMIE: whatever
(5:08:02 PM) BFF: i sleep with my face SMASHED into pillow
(5:08:04 PM) BFF: bad
(5:08:14 PM) BFF: I look like playdough in morning
(5:08:27 PM) BFF: remember the red eyes at Catalyst each morning?
(5:08:30 PM) AMIE: uhm, who doesn't?
(5:08:46 PM) BFF: "oh it's the strong laundry detergent the hotel uses on the on the pillowcases."
(5:08:54 PM) AMIE: ok, linked in is not working today
(5:09:13 PM) BFF: no way .... sheesh.
(5:09:24 PM) AMIE: i can't get into my connections
(5:09:44 PM) BFF: dump your cache
(5:09:49 PM) BFF: it's working for me

When truths that are lies become lies that are truths

My iGoogle homepage consists of various news sources: CNET News, USA Today, InfoWorld, Slashdot, The Onion, New York Times and others.

When I log in, I quickly scan the headlines to get a general sense of the news. iGoogle news widgets all look alike. There are no logos indicating the news source, just text of the publication name followed by headlines. Location can help if you were a whiz at Concentration. For example, the upper right corner of my iGoogle is devoted to The Onion. I forget this a lot.

Including The Onion in my daily headline browsing mix is disruptive. I can be gullible. Actually, I’m really gullible. I hate this about myself. So once I’ve been had by The Onion, I tend to over correct. For example, on Mondays, I read every headline as truth, get burned by The Onion, so Tuesday I skeptically read every headline as a lie.

This bi-polar method of headline scanning is iffy. Truths that are lies become lies that are truths.

Here is a list of Today's mixed bag:

McCain has spot of skin removed as precaution
New Linens-N-Shit Opens
Billionaires Donate To Anti-Smoking Drive
MySpace could be flooded by Elvis impersonators
Bush hails Pakistan as strong ally
Textbook Publishers Continue To Freak Out Over File Sharing

I'd rather be in Oz

There is nothing about the oft quoted, "there's no place like home," that infers home is where you'd rather be.


I need “tickets on the fridge.”

Happy Birthday Tonia!

Today is Tonia Sarah Thompson Conger, AKA Baby Girl Thompson's birthday.

She's one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. I reckon millions can say the same thing.

This is one of my favorite photos with Tonia. We are in Barcelona. I love taking self photos because you never know what you're going to get. This is a great shot of my piggy-pug nostrils, and Tonia looks smokin hot.

I like it too because it's hard to tell which direction to rotate the picture. People that look at it always turn their head because they are unsure of how to view it. It swirls in a yin yang kinda way and that is why it's so great.

People that become true friends do so because they bring a needed perspective to your life. They do this by just being who they are, by being authentic. Tonia's fashionable, creative, dead funny, caring, self sacrificing, humble and wise paisley shape fit right into my Yin Yang circle. (This isn't even close to a complete list, a lot of her is ineffable.) Tonia shows me ways to become the person I hope to be by just being Tonia. There is no trying, fake, or forced aspect to our friendship.

I am so lucky! What if I didn't find her until I was 80 and I only got to hang out with her for a little while. Plus we would be too old to contort ourselves into this picture, and too old to laugh as hard as we do at times cause we'd break our ribs.

Happy Birthday!!!

10 AM Din

Kristin captured a really great moment in cube-land here.

As much as society loathes the invention of the cube, it does make for good comedy. You're visually isolated, but completely exposed audibly. It's situation comedy at its finest. I've gotten to the point where I know which coworker is approaching by their gait.

Anyway, here's a little banter from this morning to add to Kristin's post. If we keep this up, we will have one spectacular collection of "had to be there," moments.

Setting this scene: Amie has an apricot tree that just won't stop. All week she has brought bags and bags of apricots to work hoping the office will keep her from feeling like they aren't going to waste. Her coworkers got sick of them by Tuesday. Today is Friday, so clearly, Amie has determined that if she doesn't start hyping the apricots a little more, she will have to eat them all (a situation that probably deserves it's own blog post, likely to be titled: Apricots: too much of a good thing?)

10 o'clock am, cube-land:

Me: Do apricots have fat? They sure taste like they do.

Karl: No Amie. They don't.

Amie: Interesting. They taste so good, like they might have fat.

Sid: 100 grams of apricots has .39 grams of fat.

Amie: they do have fat!! how much is that? How many do I have to eat.

Sid: that is approximately 3 apricots. They also have Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, I don't know why you need that, Potassium, which is good for your heart, oh and selenium.

Amie: Selenium! that cures cancer! Wow, apricots are the wonder fruit.

Karl: I thought I was the wonder fruit.

Dumbo Idioms

I always get idioms wrong. I should acknowledge that this will never change and stop trying to use them. The problem is I get an image in my head that matches the WRONG way to use the idiom. Images are more powerful than words, so the wrong way sticks.

For example, the idiom for the hangover cure "the hair of the dog that bit you" registered incorrectly as "the hare that bit the dog." I saw white bunnies with sharp pointy teeth like the scene in Monty Python's Holy Grail. Those rabbits ARE a vivid representation of a horrific hangover.

The other day, I did it again. I don't know if this is exactly what i said. A friend and I were discussing why we make every minuscule task seem like a major endeavor, thus rendering us incapable of action. I said something like, "you can't eat the elephant by staring at the fork."

Not what i meant. But then I remembered this Disney clip when Dumbo gets drunkitty-unkitty. It is probably one of the most creative cartoons I've ever seen. So clever!

I bet the cartoonist that did this made a bunch of false starts, procrastinated, struggled and stared at blank paper and pen for a long time before he/she ever even came up with the ideas that make this cartoon so great.

I hope so. For the sake of my sanity. Otherwise, this new take on the ole "eating an elephant" idiom is useless. I'll have to figure out another reason for why I procrastinate.



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