I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 3

#3 of the Thirteen Virtues

"ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."

It’s Friday. It’s nearly the end of the day. I can’t take it anymore. So, I thought, what is next on Ben’s list?

This is #3? Let all your business have its time.

Thanks Ben. Join the 21st century! This is such a crock it's become comedy. I’m going to let Flight of the Conchords speak for me on this one.

I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 2

#2 "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."

Lazing away on random afternoons, my Dad and I used to waste hours recounting the random thoughts flying across the multimedia TV screens inside our brains.

Here's how you do it:

- sit in silence for approximately 5 seconds
- one person says "Stop!"
- the other person has to try to summarize every thought that occurred in that 5 seconds
- this is when it gets amusing and pretty amazing and it's really hard to do too!
- then switch turns

Pure drivel.

No benefit, all trifle.

Well, at least it's this way for me and Dad. Maybe our pure drivel is genetic, uniquely Gregory. I wonder if other people's thoughts have clarity, linear structure, and intent? I bet our friend Mr. Franklin's did.

I've never played the game with anyone else. Maybe I'm afraid. I'm actually afraid of what I'm about to post here. I have a feeling this 13-part series of blogs on my relationship with Ben are going to leave me feeling quite exposed.

OK, here’s an example of 5 seconds of pure drivel. Although, while reading this, you have to visualize too, because it’s not that I just hear the words, it’s fully produced movie-quality Dolby digital surround sound, HD images of kissing, laughter, beaches, bright red chili sauce on the salad, fortune cookies, bathing beauties with perfect bodies and orange hair, and the smell of hugs and much more. Oh, and I can sometimes taste the peanut butter.

“Holy cow, I ate two tablespoons of peanut butter today and still managed to stay under 1,000 calories! I loved that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I wish I could experience the first moments of dating all over again with B. Yesterday we celebrated 9 years of matrimonial bliss. I wonder if everyone feels this way, they must if they made a movie about it. I wonder if I could get away with orange hair, that would be good color. Then I’d REALLY get taken seriously. I need to schedule that cut before we leave for Mexico, man, I can’t believe that is a month away, I have to loose at least 10 pounds before that, I better throw away that peanut butter and no more eating out, even if it’s salad, there are hidden calories all over the place in restaurants. PeiWei was fun with Micquelle today, I need to make more effort to spend time with her, she’s like battery charger. I reckon that I’m more like a lithium battery cause it seems like the longest I go w/out her, the more I get out of our time together. Isn’t that how those work? You have to let them die out dead before you recharge or else they get lazy memory. it’s the same as that cliché, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Wait, is that the same? I’ll have to think that metaphor over a little more, it doesn’t sound right. oh well, the only thing we don’t like about the new Pei Wei is that it doesn’t have a soda button, just a water button, so we can’t ask for free waters and get free club soda anymore. The PeiWei in sugarhouse is better.”

I am the Antithesis of Benjamin Franklin - part 1

Matt in the cube next door has a drawer full of mini snickers, licorice, pop tarts, Twix, peeps, jelly beans, granola bars and much much more. (this photo was taken after a fresh trip to WalMart)

Like cows bellying up to the feed trough, we assemble in Matt's cube, long after he's gone, and sift though the food to find the perfect salty, sweet, fruity, or chocolaty fix. We know he doesn't mind our eating his food. It's why he has so much.

Why we wait until he leaves is a mystery. I reckon it's because in any office situation, there is a "give and take" mindset at play. So far, we're just takers.

How is it Matt can have all this next to him all day and not eat it all at once? A jar of peanut butter will not survive more than two days if it's inside the perimeter of my cube.

Matt has none of this in him. He doesn't binge (except pistachios, i learned that over the holidays). He's always calm. One time, something upset him and he said "I'm really mad," and I was thinking, so this is what they are talking about when people overdo it on the Botox, he doesn't get mad face creases, grit his teeth, or get red in the face.

He's industrious. He's efficient. He seems frugal. In fact, while talking this over with my coworker over an entire canister of Lays Cheddar Stax (taken from the drawer, of course), I realized that he is just like Ben Franklin (sans the pot belly and balding pate).

Tipping the plastic canister to my lips to empty the last bits of crushed chip crumbs into my mouth, I took pause. Is this possible? Can someone have all 13 virtues?

So, we looked them up. There are a few here I would rather not speculate upon. However, based on the data I do have, and sensibly guessing the unknowns, I bet he's over 50% virtuous.

I know what you're thinking, "50% is not very much!" Now you just take a good look at these and really think over your life, and pretty soon, you too will start asking for clarification on what "unnecessary" really means, or how can one actually measure "useful." We'll talk next week and see where you stack up. I'm sure it's about as high as the Cheddar Stax I just ate.

1. "TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
2. "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
3. "ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
4. "RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
5. "FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
6. "INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
7. "SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
8. "JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
9. "MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
10. "CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
11. "TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
12. "CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
13. "HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."

So, #1.
Temperance.
Where does Amie stack up?

Well, all i can say is use this, this and this current post for reference, and you have your answer.

Lucky Charmers

I love words. I hit Dictionary.com at least five times a day. I try out new words and always get them wrong. I get old words wrong too. Sometimes words loose their meaning, they become cliché, so it’s nice to look up a commonly used word to see what it really means.

Digging in the dictionary as much as I do, I rarely remember when or where I pick up a word.

But, I remember talisman.

tal•is•man [tal-is-muhn, -iz-]
–noun, plural -mans.
1. a stone, ring, or other object, engraved with figures or characters supposed to possess occult powers and worn as an amulet or charm.
2. any amulet or charm.
3. anything whose presence exercises a remarkable or powerful influence on human feelings or actions.

I was 21 and someone whose presence had a remarkable influence over me recommended I read “The Winter of Our Discontent,” by John Steinbeck.

This was a long time ago. I can’t even recall what the book was about. All I can remember is learning the word and that Steinbeck described pink hair curlers as pink suckling sausages.

Revisiting the book, I found these passages.

“So many words are mine because Aunt Deborah first aroused my curiosity and then forced me to satisfy it by my own effort.”

“It’s your talisman, not mine, it means what you want it to mean. Put it back in the cabinet. It will wait for you.”

I secretly believe in talismans and lucky charms. Like a superstitious baseball player, I rely on a few things to quickly send me to a familiar and calm place that is far away. I still have a blanky!


In fact, here is a photo! See that baby? I stole it from that baby. It's the yellow blanket in the foreground. (duh! black and white photo!)

Other lucky charmers I rely upon: left is little brother Tyler (AKA TyPie), I’m in the middle, and Travis (AKA Travy) is on the right. If TyPie is a baby, i must be six.


I used to carry it EVERYWHERE. Then, I slowly weened myself. I remember the commitment I made to leave it in my room rather than take it to dinner, or to watch TV. It was painful, harder than saying no to cheese. But it was my choice, my secret commitment, my decision to grow up.

However, I’m only willing to “grow up” to a certain point. I don’t care if I have issues. I don’t care if people think it’s weird. Everyone should have SOMETHING to mentally place them somewhere else. If I want to use a blanky, I will. The only thing that troubles me right now is whether it will last as long as I do.

A talisman can loose its ala kazam factor. It’s hard to know when this is true. A good sign? When something that once calmed you, now feels blasé, or stirs anxiety. It takes a while to figure this out. You have to test the talisman in different situations to know. If it’s always with you, try leaving it in your room. If you never use it, try taking it everywhere for a week. Carry it when you’re stressed at work. Carry it when your having a lovely day off.

Live with it, live without it and pay attention to how you feel. If it’s an object, put it back in the cabinet. It will wait for you. If it breathes, ask for patience. Remember, it’s YOUR talisman, it means what you want it to mean.

Today feels like an after school special

I am amazed at how often I take simple things like mental stability for granted.

Generally, my more severe bouts of mental instability occur when I wake up at 2:30 am and can’t go back to sleep. The worst part of this predicament is the more and more tactics I employ to fall back asleep, make me more and more anxious. The cycle begins and, like a spiral, I get crazier as each hour of the day passes.

The formula that creates an Amie Golden Spiral:

sleep deprivation = foodblitz times rhythmic episodes of mental hysteria. (I am not mathematically inclined, but I reckon it would look like this: SxFH=Fuck-It-Bucket)

Here are the details:

3:30 am Blake tried to lull me back to sleep by reading aloud a short story by Truman Capote about a sad pathetic guy in prison that thought he had true friendship with a blue-eyed boy with a bedazzled guitar.

Obviously this didn’t work because Capote is an amazing writer and this made my eyes wide awake with terrifying envy. I don’t think he slept either, look at the bags under his eyes.















So, I went to work early. Check out these amazing pictures from my commute. So, this is what it looks like before the sun comes up?

Finally feeling tired, I got hungry and started to eat peanut butter with a spoon, but figured this wasn’t healthy, so I used apple slices as spoons and ate half a jar of Adam’s All Natural Crunchy Peanut butter

Let’s do the math:
1 jar has 14 servings
1 serving has:
- 16 grams of fat
- 210 calories
- 6 carbs

Amie ate 7 servings
- 112 grams of fat
- 1,470 calories
- 42 carbs

This kind of episode is what the Sedaris family calls a “Fuck-It Bucket.”

This happened at 7:30 am. So, I’m just getting started.

Friday, 9:00 am is donut hour at the office. I rarely go. I don’t really like donuts. So I went. Got in trouble for touching two or three donuts before selecting the only chocolate one in the box and it didn’t even have frosting so I split in half with my bare hands, ate a bite from one of the halves, spit it in the trash and put the other half back in the box. Coworkers make it clear i need to leave donut hour.

Instead, found bagels in the kitchen brought by the outsourced, very clean-cut, accounting auditors that visit every year for two weeks to make sure we pay tithing. I’m sure we’ll pay tithing on the bagels too, so I toasted two. TWO bagels. Then loaded each slice (that would be 4 slices, cause I cut them in half to toast) with ½ inch of cream cheese.

Let’s do the math:
1 bite of shitty donut
- 113 calories
- 6.6 grams of fat
- 12 carbs

2 bagels with lotsa cream cheese
- 518 calories
- 20 grams of fat
- 65 carbs

10:30am - raid coworker's drawer for a mini snickers. While doing so, interrupt very important discussion on “how to Pirate Bay.” Chastise coworker for not stalking the drawer with KingSizeSnickers.

Mini Snickers
- 80 calories
- 6 grams of fat
- 10 carbs

11:30am. It’s Friday, the IT kids want to go to the Chicken Coop for lunch. I, being bi-polar eater (mostly pristine, but when it's bad, it's BAD), always decline these invitations. But today, I think, “what the hell, you can’t kill the rooster.”


Chicken Coop – Actually, it’s the Wing Coop. I like Chicken Coop better. It’s visually disturbing.

Today is sunny. So, the kids are stylin in whatever sunglasses they could find in my car. Ivan is missing a lense, Scott should get a modeling contract with Donna Karan, those are fab!


Here’s what I had:
- 5 Canonero chicken wings (with some feathers)
- Boat-o-fries
- 2 bites of corn bread
- 1 pat of butter
- A few tablespoons of blue cheese dressing

Math:
- 1,600 calories
- 60 grams of fat
- 73 carbs

Couldn’t end lunch with weird wing aftertaste. Need a treat. Not just ice-cream. Need a malt.

Hires Big H with car hop service!

- Peanut Butter and Banana Malt
- Cherry Lime Ricky

Note: I was double-fisting it!

Math:
- 867 calories
- 140 carbs
- 20 grams of fat


½ hour after finishing my malt. I tried to get Kristin to go with me into the bathroom to throw up my food.

Just like an after school special.

I couldn’t do this alone. I needed company with my painful misery. I needed reassurance that her chocolate malt was not sitting well with her either. She threw hers away! I almost grabbed it out of the garbage to finish it. Oh the pain, and the shame. Please! Kristin, purge with me!

She won’t.

It’s been two hours. I still want to blow beads on my keyboard.

But, I decided not to regret this strange sequence of hysterical episodes. Apparently, I’m not the only one that needed a fuck-it-bucket today. One fourth of the company needs to reimburse my next door cube mate for all of the candy, pop tarts, licorice and M&Ms we’ve eaten today. The power went out in the kitchen so someone even relocated the toaster into our little corner so we could finish off the pop tarts and bagels.

What is it? This being out-of-sorts. So much anxiety and gluttonous torture. Over what? The bliss I felt when I saw the sky on my commute? The fits of laughter sparked by the bizarre stories told at the Chicken Coop? The delight in the ongoing banter between my coworkers over why it is pop tarts and Snickers somehow soothe a stressful day?

It all just feels like I did after school. From overstimulation and sheer fatigue, me and my girlfriend would eat 5 bowls of Cocoa Pebbles and talk about how lame everyone at school is, meanwhile secretly knowing that we kinda like going to school.

The Grand Total (unpurged) so far today. 4:45 pm

- 4,858 Calories
- 240.6 grams of fat
- 345 carbs

The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!

So far, 2008 has delivered a lot of changes, including many for my co-workers. So, we celebrated with a fabulous party and toasted to new jobs, promotions, birthdays and well, just being happy we actually like the peeps we work with.

Here are a few photos. I'm no Ansel Adams, that's for sure. I was trying to take Bob's advice and NOT use my flash, but the outcome was more blur than chiaroscuro.