The cult of Santa

My favorite Dr. Seuss book is the Cat in the Hat. Other childhood characters I related to are Cinderella, Little Orphan Annie, and basically anyone that had to clean. I was always perplexed at how Gidget could surf all day and not get stuck with chores.

Growing up, I had a list of household chores that rivaled Cinderella’s. We were a family of six and the Cat in the Hat made think a lot about the residue left behind from our daily living. That ring around the tub goes somewhere when scrubbed, that dirty laundry water goes somewhere, the sink disposal makes food disappear, where does it go?

Thinking about residual household goo metastasizing for eternity is overwhelming. It has to end somewhere. Dr. Seuss knew this so he invented Thing One and Thing Two. The famous whatsits that made the mess disappear with comforting finality.

If non eradicable goo exists in a household, so it exists in the soul. And, just like the book, it requires closure, which often leads to the search for a mythical savior to cleanse our shameful messes. It’s human nature to seek a Thing One and Thing Two. The Buddha, Jesus, Brahman, Muhammad, the Tao, Mr. Clean, etc. all respectable choices.

Picking the right product for the job is a personal journey. Do I need Spring cleaning, light maintenance, a garage sale or a Hazmat crew and a breather. Exposing this process to the pious judgments of peers is deflating. I’m not sure when this happened, but letting the dishes in the sink grow mold has become unacceptable behavior.

Ugh. Enough! I can’t live up to today’s meticulous standards. I’m joining the kid table. I’m joining the mess makers.

Enter Santa Clause. A perfect Thing One and Thing Two solution. I think Dr. Seuss would approve of the Cult of Santa. Santa’s chief cause is kid happiness. Santa wants us to be good, but knows we probably won’t. This is okay because he knows “we didn’t mean to.” Santa threatens us with coal, but has anyone actually received coal? The best part of the Cult of Santa are the followers. Kids are EXPECTED to make messes and NOT EXPECTED to do a good job cleaning up. Kids don’t have agendas, they don’t care who has the biggest mess, or who’s a better cleaner, or whether one cleaning product is superior to another.

I’d like to worship at the alter inside a gingerbread house filled with elves that make gifts of shoes, stereos and candy. I’ll call upon the patron saints Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dunder and Blixem to help me through my days. And Santa will eat my fresh baked cookies with milk instead of me having to eat his flesh and blood.

The cake topper: Santa’s preferred method for penance via the US postal service. Feeling bad about bouncing that check? Send an apology letter to Santa. Feeling like you’ve been working hard and deserve a few toys? Send a letter to Santa.

North Pole Christmas Cancellation
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5400 Mail Trail
Fairbanks AK 99709-9998