Wanted -

Today I found this in the wanted ads of Utah’s Independent Newspaper - City Weekly

CLASSIC ROCK - LEAD SINGER
Classic Rock Band looking for front-man, lead singer. We’re family guys mid 40’s - mid 50’s with 40+ song list. Looking for singer 30yo-50yo Looking to have 1-2 gigs/month on weekend. CCR, ZZ Top, Beatles, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Doobies Great sound! Call Craig….

I really don’t know where to begin with this. In the era of American Idol - is placing a wanted ad the right way to go about securing a LEAD SINGER? This ranks up there with admitting you found your current job in the paper and that you met your spouse in a bar.

Holy hell. I’m two for three. Perhaps Craig will take a front-woman.

If we had macaroni, we could have macaroni and cheese, if we had cheese.

My friend sent this quote by Jack Handy to me today:

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'

There are two reasons he probably sent this to me:

1. Every story I think is funny enough to share starts with, "One time, when I was really drunk..."
2. Every Monday morning meeting consists of me proclaiming I will never eat, or drink again as I shamefully confess the hideous details of my hedonistic weekend.

Enough shame I say! Thanks Jack Handy, because not only am I going to keep vineyard workers gainfully employed, but also the purveyors of pasta and cheese.

Why? Because this weekend I realized something great! From mighty hangovers come fantastic recipes you can make from the products that already exist in your pantry. Thus saving a needless trip to the store, which saves you from having to get dressed, or comb your hair, brush your teeth, etc.

This recipe is something I tweaked from the bible of all cook books: The Joy of Cooking.

Amie’s Mac and Cheese Cure - sort of, more like: so you can feel a little better

1 cube of butter
1 onion
2 tablespoons of flour
2 cups of milk (even if it’s sour, it’s OK, all the better cause it will add a nice sour flavor to the mac and cheese)
3 cups of whatever cheese you have in the fridge (any cheddar variety, sharp is preferred, mozzarella, parmesan, provolone, gouda, Velveeta - whatever! Mix them all together if you want)
Two packages of a pasta (spaghetti, macaroni, penne, bowties, whatever, mix them all together if you want)
Salt and Pepper

Boil water, cook pasta, set aside.
Melt butter in the same pot the pasta was cooked in. Add chopped onion. Cook until sorta brown. Stir in flour. Slowly stir in milk until mixture thickens. Keep stirring (don’t get sick watching the spoon go round and round). Slowly add cheese bit by bit until think and creamy. Depending on your cheese selection, you’ll get varying degrees of thickness. Keep stirring, keep stirring, keep stirring. Then add salt and pepper. Add pasta and stir together. Taste to assure it’s salted enough (depending on how low you are on electrolytes, this will vary).

Eat. This batch is pretty big, so you will be able to eat this all day.

I Heart Jeffrey Eugenides

I just finished The Virgin Suicides. I love this line. It reminds me of my childhood bedroom:

“It felt as though the house could keep disgorging debris forever, a tidal wave of unmatched slippers and dresses scarecrowed on hangers.”

Actually, this is not that different from my room today!

Imagery aside, Eugenidies gets credit for my first literary climax induced by olfactory foreplay. (Sorry Marcel Proust. You are on my list.) It's worth the read! Especially if you didn't grow up with sisters.

I found this press release about a study reporting that a complete loss of the sense of smell results in loss of quality of life. This is obvious, just watch the first thing people do when they wonder about the milk in the fridge. Besides the pleasantries a keen olfactory system brings, it saves us from a life wrought with sour stomach and food poisoning.

Most profound is the intense memory recall brought on by smell. One only has to walk into any elementary school and your mind is attacked by visions of screaming children all sweaty from recess, mini milk cartons, snicker doodles and nap time on your own blankie - the only safe haven allowed.

Smells like fabulous stuff! Thank you Jeffrey!

What kind of snowflake are you?

A friend of mine has The Little Book of Snowflakes on his desk. It’s chocked full of micrographs of snowflakes. As I recall from elementary school, each snowflake is unique in all the world. Which made me think of unique humans, which led to K. and I closing our eyes, visualizing a coworker, then opening the book to see if the snowflake matched the person.

It works! (A little creative latitude is needed). Snowflakes not only exemplify appearance, but these little crystal gems communicate personality archetypes like openness, sharpness, narrow-mindedness, straightforwardness etc.

See if you agree. I’ve matched the celebrity to the snowflake below (count at top - left to right, then bottom - left to right).



1. Angelina Jolie








2. Victoria Beckham

3. Lucy Liu

4. Kelly Osborne

5. Vanilla Ice

6. Cate Blanchette

Forget resolutions. Pick a theme.

Every year it’s the same. I list 5 New Year’s resolutions. I make it half way through January 1st and realize I’ve compromised three. I reckon this problem is similar to the challenge most people face at work. Unless there is a deeply rooted desire motivating us to toil away for the company, the empty goals and tactics feel useless and inevitably lead to procrastination and malaise.

When I’m creating my work plans for the coming year, I like to identify a creative theme. Themes are more exciting than the perfunctory, blasé goals such as “increase news coverage by 25%.” “The Year of Influencing Industry Dialogue,” is much more appealing because I like deciphering social behavior and using communication techniques to weave the company’s agenda into the industry’s collective consciousness. Intangible and abstract goals do not tickle the senses. A well thought theme, however, creates a shortcut to desire.

If you’re a sensualist at heart, and groove on the heady feeling you get from inhaling a smoldering, creamy Camel, why quit? Unless a kiss from the poster child of anti-smoking sends your heart into frenzied palpitations. Swooning trumps inhaling in my book.

Desire is manifested through the senses. Identify your tells and make them work for you. In 2005, I was trying so hard not to spend money (a resolution). I tried substituting the library for shopping (this kind-of works). After hearing that David Sedaris is a self-proclaimed “tape worm,” I checked out an audio book. Eureka! Turns out my knack for listening while scrubbing shower grout is far superior than my ability to read while sitting still.

Soon I was checking out the classics and completing the homework I lied about 20 years ago. I am insatiable. No resolution required.

I eventually got to Tolstoy, he knew Dostoevsky, and then 2007 became “The Year of Russia.” And this year, I can’t decide between “The Year of Sartre and his Existential Buddies,” or “The Year of Hawking, Black Holes and the Superstring.” (Hmm, my senses are strangely attracted to the second).