Ivan’s stress assessment theory proven during episode of insomnia

Between 2 and 4 am is a strange window of time when I've had just enough sleep to feel physically rested, but not enough to feel mentally reset. I've tried all sorts of techniques to go back to sleep. Many friends have recommended their tactics. I now just give in, and do the one thing physicians don't recommend; I grab my iPhone from under my pillow and start reading the headlines.

Today it was the Telegraph UK's slide show of the World's Weirdest Festivals. Alas, my poor husband is not immune to my insomnia and has to bare with me while I read to him some of the strangest, most idiotic stuff I've ever heard. It went something like this:


Amie: The Testicle Festival - Over 21’s only. Around 6,500 people are expected to attend the 27th annual Testicle Festival at Rock Creek Lodge in Montana. It's a strictly adults-only affair, as although the festivities revolve around the theme of eating bull’s testicles, or ‘Rocky Mountain Oysters', visitors should expect oil wrestling, wet t-shirt competitions and lots of public nudity; 'No Panty Wednesday' sees punters offered a free drink in exchange for their underwear.

BSJ: What a bunch of idiots. Who wants to be naked around people you wouldn't even talk to on a bus.

Amie: Noche de Rábanos (Night of the Radishes) - In the 16th century, after radishes were brought to the Americas, vegetable sellers used to make sculptures of radishes to advertise in the markets. Since 1897 the custom has been celebrated with an annual festival, with the best sculptors awarded cash prizes.

BSJ: Carved out of radishes? like in salads?

Amie: Räbechilbi Turnip Festival - Over twenty tonnes of carved turnips and fifty thousand candles are displayed in this Swiss festival celebrating the humble turnip. The event includes parades of illuminated houses and plenty of music and entertainment.

BSJ: more vegetables

Amie: Boryeong Mud Festival - First staged in 1998, the Boryeong Mud Festival now attracts more than a million visitors to the South Korean city. Said to be rich in minerals, the mud for the festival is trucked in to Daecheon Beach for tourists and locals to enjoy.

BSJ: snoring

Amie: The Baby Jumping Festival - First staged in 1620, this strange event celebrating Corpus Christi sees grown men dressed as the Devil leaping over a row of babies lying in the street.

BSJ: (yelling like someone just tore off one of his fingernails) That is bullshit. That isn't true. What the Fu-no way! (Amie shows picture). What if he trips? Do you know what a 150 pound guy could do to a baby? What a bunch of F*#king idiots. I'd rather eat sheep balls in Montana with a bunch of ugly naked asses.

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This blog post helps illustrate Ivan's stress assessment tool for better life balance. You see, life can be very sensational. It's hard to determine when it's appropriate to freak out, or just be cool.


Ivan works in the IT support department for a small company. He sees way more unnecessary freaking out than the average person. He has witnessed me melt down the night before "the biggest day of my career." It was in a lifeless, San Francisco-based, hotel-board-room-turned-temporary-corporate-HQ. Hovering over my laptop like it was a sick baby, I said, with the most hideous, trying-to-be-calm tone, "it just won't turn on."

I was freaked. He was cool. He pushed a button. The computer turned on. I know what you're thinking: ID10T


Years later, I ask. What's the secret? Turns out he kinda had this epiphany one day. What's most important? Babies. If babies are being hurt, then do some freaking, otherwise, be cool.


So, anytime your cortisol levels start to rise, ask yourself: are any babies being hurt?


And now we know this works. Cause your cortisol levels really do rise if you're half asleep and hear wind of any tomfoolery festival that puts baby's lives at stake like a bunch of bowling pins waiting for a dumb ass to strike.